an update on life, writing, and my dramatic mind

spring is ending and summer is about to burst from the earth, lush and vivid and fierce. I cannot wait. I love sunshine and warmth. it's gotten to the point where I have to work hard not to get depressed every day in fall & winter. I think I was meant to live somewhere warm. that is what I told my husband. followed by, "sooo, do something about that"

life has been going by so so quickly! the year is already almost half way over. that shocks me. my birthday is coming next month, and the trip my husband and I planned to celebrate our first anniversary is coming soon too. so many happy things. 

my kitty pumpkin is sleeping on my lap as I write this. the air outside smells like fresh cut grass. it's a little chillier to day so I have a crewneck on. I also donned my pair of glasses. I like to wear them when I write though they have no prescription. it makes me feel serious and studious haha. 

some things are new since I last posted. I started writing my novel again. yes, that one. the sleepy hollow retelling I've been working on for ten years now. I am determined to finish it and am working on the zero draft now. I finally got the plot to someplace I like. there are advantages and disadvantages to taking on retellings. on one hand you have so much material thought out for you and nostalgia of a pre-loved tale to make yours seem more worth telling. but on the other hand you're restricted to certain themes and characters. in my opinion, a retelling should tell the original somewhere in its text, and should seek to improve upon it, not demolish it. otherwise just write your own story?? I hate when I read a "retelling" of a fairytale and the only similarity is that say with beauty & the beast, a girl falls in love with an unloveable guy. that's not a retelling that's a modern romance book at this point. anyways, I digress. 

I also wrote and will be submitting a short story to the first Reedsy short story contest. if you're a writer you should check it out! entries aren't due until the end of May so there's still some time. after the results come out I'll share my story here. all I'll say for now is that the prompt is 'change or transformation'. 

then I submitted some pieces to Bella Grace Magazine. I love, love, love their magazines. I haven't had a piece selected yet, but that's okay. I enjoy writing them and sending them in on the chance they will like one of them and publish it in one of the editions! I think my writing might be a bit strange compared to what they usually publish... *thinks back to the past four posts where I'm rambling about God given light and I sound just a tad nuts* *shrugs*

this blog truly feels like a place where I can be wholly me. I don't often feel like that. it is cherished. I have night sweats about blogger deleting the whole thing with no warning and all of my posts being lost forever. (you know like Polyvore did. still haven't gotten over that.)

lately I have been loving waffles with fruit, like strawberries or blueberries. greek yogurt bowls with my homemade granola. peaceful happy music like Jack Johnson. making lists. coming up with my own lotion recipes (though I haven't actually gotten to make one yet). playing pickleball. watching classic disney movies (peter pan is literally hilarious. their dad is comedy gold.) playing bananagrams with my love. and being outside as much as possible.

as I sit here, thinking of things to type up, the thing that's been weighing on my mind keeps popping up. I don't feel like writing one of my unhinged emotional posts about it. instead, I just genuinely want to write it out. the question that's been bothering me a lot.

how do you deal with change? change inside. how do you deal with that realization, that you're not the same as you once were?

it stuns me. as I reflect on how I've changed, grown, and aged, I don't know what to make of it. is it good? is it bad? is it real? most of the people around me never changed. never grew. I've never known anyone to change as much as I have. not in my personal life, I mean. 

I think it will probably feel good to say it. though, it scares me. 

I've changed. 

I have changed. I have grown. I am not the same as I used to be. 

it feels strange. almost as if I'm mourning the death of that former self. everything I've been through, whether good or bad, has shaped me. I looked at myself. in the frankest most honest way a person can. and I told myself I needed to change. I wanted to. and I did it. I was scared of it even then. scared I would fit in even less. scared of what would get left behind. 

the strange thing is, I didn't realize just how much I had changed until recently. I would deny it. but I think that is because I don't feel as though I've truly changed as much as I feel as though I became more me. who I always was, I guess? maybe I just like to think that. 

I used to struggle with authenticity so much. I don't struggle with it as much anymore. and I guess I'm wondering if that's because I've achieved my goal of changing into who I really am or is it that I morphed into something that is more like others and isn't challenged as much? 

these are the thoughts that keep me up at night. that and blogger being deleted. 

I'm realizing that I might be a very dramatic person. 

anyways, I miss blogs and I wish people still wrote them the way they used to. but I disappear for a year every other post so.... I really can't complain I guess. maybe I will start writing more? *immediately gets scared of commitment*

- from Nie