i feed it the ugly little things

at first;

i don't think they understand

the gravity when i say to them

'i can't manage 

one good day'

when i say to them over coffee

'i'm spinning so fast i can't

see'

at first;

i don't think they understand

the weight of the words 

that fall from my mouth after 

they ask

'and how are you?'

but then;

the words i use are tart

nasty dark things to say

'not so good' 

or even 'i don't know'

isn't welcome in bookshops

on the way into the classroom

or even in the churches

the gravity

the weight

the words stir something up 

inside of them

burn their tongues

set their minds ablaze

they dash the spark out of me

afraid it will catch

but i keep it going

feed it 

with truth and the ugly little things

because 

i'm more afraid of the dark

i guess this is how it feels

to be told 

'i really don't understand'

- from Nie

farewell two-thousand twenty-four

 listen

farewell to the year of growing pains. of recognizing my face again. of small adventures and big mistakes. of "never-before-done"s and "I will never do that again"s. of spiritual firsts, and worldly lasts. nighttime conversations with Jesus, and daytime surrender of control. of graduations, engagements, and last goodbyes. farewell to the gift that was two-thousand twenty-four. 

so many years I let slip between my fingers. streams of precious silvery water I let seep into the soil. this year was not perfect, nor did I always make myself proud. but this year, this year, I lived more than I have in the last four combined. this year, I remembered who the author of my life is. I remembered that through Him all things are possible. this year, He reminded me that I am strong. I am capable. I am loved. 

what a gift it is to have lived another year! I may be older. and in many ways it is hard to continue moving forward when there are so many things I wish had gone differently. so many things I wish I could change. but I can either run from the past or learn from it. I refuse to let past sorrows dim the light of my future. I believe with my whole soul that Jesus takes the worst of us all and he weaves it into something pure and beautiful and hopeful. Jesus remakes my mistakes into triumphs. he takes the wrongdoings and sorrows I have experienced and uses them to teach me how to be the best version of myself.

 I don't know what my future holds, but I know that I have the God of the universe on my side. that I need not worry about anything. that I can trust Him with my whole life and soul. and that I will be overflowing with joy as long as I let him have my everything. so, though where the road will take me I cannot tell, I will lose no sleep over it. I will smile in the face of uncertainty and see it for what it is with God - adventure. 

the best things about this year...

my engagement to my love

my little sister's graduation

small adventures with my sisters 

watching my older sister finish a 5k

watching my love finish a turkey trot

buying Christmas presents for my loved ones

finding new blogs to read and people who still write

finding my sense of style

modeling for a local boutique 

adding to my disney fairies book collection

spending precious time with our pets

crushing things I believed I couldn't do

accomplishing two semesters of school 

learning to stand up for myself more

learning to lean on Jesus and to trust Him more deeply than I ever thought I would be able to

recognizing myself and the value in me instead of trying to mirror others

improving my discernment 

working on my spiritual health

improving my physical health by working out and eating better

learning how to draw boundaries

laughing so hard I cry with my love and my sisters

letting go of ideals that weren't based on Jesus's word

spending special time with my sisters individually 

eating foods from my childhood/teen years again

allowing myself to dream anything and everything again

feeling accepted and heard and understood by my love

seeing the growth in my sisters

swimming in the summertime

visiting the Christmas village in the wintertime

dreaming about and planning for my life with my love

all of the ways I was provided for by my loved ones and by God

- from Nie

a dream within a dream

 

    to write about this feels strange. not because I desire to hide it, but because it is so precious to me. because I am so deeply excited and truly grateful that I am speechless. I am getting married soon. over my Christmas break from classes, my love and I will be married. we will have a simple, family and family friend filled winter wedding, and it will be the best day of my life. I can say that, though I haven't lived it yet, because I know that no matter what happens- if there is a blizzard outside, if we forget the cake, if I trip because I can't walk in heels very well and I fall on my face in a poof of silks, if the music doesn't work and we all dance in silence - that God is blessing this day for my love and I and that we will feel his blessing and his love and we will feel our love and we will feel excitement for our future together. 

    with such a short amount of time until our wedding day, I have been spending all of my free time planning. it is really quite fun. I used milanote to create a mood board and save some links and ideas for the day. I envision simple decor of fairy lights, candles, some pine garland and greenery and accents of deep deep midnight sky blue. I may share photos, but I may not. we will see. I've never shown my face on my blog before and for some reason I like it that way. 

    my days are filled with collecting songs, coming up with ideas for the most minimal elegant decor, researching venues, and most of all holding back the mass of butterflies that are dancing in my stomach. I love it. 

-from Nie

of midterms, homes, and recipes

 listen

"september came in with golden days and silver nights" - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Return of The King

summer is saying goodbye to us now. closing its petals, twisting them up around the warmth, the fireflies, the citrus sunsets, and the salty air. the nights are getting colder where I live, and the bugs are racing into my house through cracks and crannies, making camp for the crisp fall and winter. I wish I could make camp and hide from the world for a bit. spin a web and rest, rest, rest. but, alas, life goes on, and I must go on with it.

I made it through midterms. making the decision to return to college was very difficult. I prayed and waited for a while until I felt that God wanted me to start school again. it's easy to commit to something at the beginning. it's hard to keep fighting for it. I feel my steam running out as we reach the end of week five. I find myself thinking, 'can I really do this over and over and over again?'. but, I have to remind myself of one very important truth. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. I have to remember to continue to look to Him and not my own capabilities. I am weak but He is strong. He can take my dreams and give them wings. but I have to give them away to Him first. so, that is what I am trying to do on this late summer night. 

my sisters and I watched Sense and Sensibility (2008) last night. it is my favorite Jane Austen story. after watching it, I browsed realty sites in Ireland and England to see how much a romantic little cottage like Barton Cottage is. just in case my love and I decide it's time for an adventure in another country. they were quite expensive. but so, so charming. there really is nothing like a home. a home is worth more than gold. I have been daydreaming about my future home. how I will arrange the furniture, what foods I will make in our kitchen, where it will be, how the sun will fall into the windows and across bookshelves. in fact, I have an exact home in my mind that I have seen as my future home for almost 9 years now. I know every room and floorboard. it's so vivid. my secret hope is that when my love and I finally start looking for a house, we will walk into one that looks exactly like that little house in my mind and I'll know that's where we're supposed to be.  

me drinking tea in my imaginary future home

I discovered Half Baked Harvest recently. I can't stop scrolling through her site, her recipes look so delicious and have unique flavor combinations. I bought her cook book 'super simple' and already have so many different recipes I want to make. these sliders for when I go to my love's parent's house to watch football, chai cinnamon rolls for that one day a year I crave something sweet, this delicious cheese & croissant bake for a chilly Sunday morning, and this lemon broccoli salad because broccoli is one of my favorite foods.

though I am anxious for the changing seasons, and the second 8 weeks of the fall semester, I know my God is with me. and every day that I can, I will choose to believe that my future is blooming, blazing, bright because it is made by Him. so, with that in mind, I can't wait for tomorrow.

- from Nie