a dream within a dream

 

    to write about this feels strange. not because I desire to hide it, but because it is so precious to me. because I am so deeply excited and truly grateful that I am speechless. I am getting married soon. over my Christmas break from classes, my love and I will be married. we will have a simple, family and family friend filled winter wedding, and it will be the best day of my life. I can say that, though I haven't lived it yet, because I know that no matter what happens- if there is a blizzard outside, if we forget the cake, if I trip because I can't walk in heels very well and I fall on my face in a poof of silks, if the music doesn't work and we all dance in silence - that God is blessing this day for my love and I and that we will feel his blessing and his love and we will feel our love and we will feel excitement for our future together. 

    with such a short amount of time until our wedding day, I have been spending all of my free time planning. it is really quite fun. I used milanote to create a mood board and save some links and ideas for the day. I envision simple decor of fairy lights, candles, some pine garland and greenery and accents of deep deep midnight sky blue. I may share photos, but I may not. we will see. I've never shown my face on my blog before and for some reason I like it that way. 

    my days are filled with collecting songs, coming up with ideas for the most minimal elegant decor, researching venues, and most of all holding back the mass of butterflies that are dancing in my stomach. I love it. 

-from Nie

of midterms, homes, and recipes

 listen

"september came in with golden days and silver nights" - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Return of The King

summer is saying goodbye to us now. closing its petals, twisting them up around the warmth, the fireflies, the citrus sunsets, and the salty air. the nights are getting colder where I live, and the bugs are racing into my house through cracks and crannies, making camp for the crisp fall and winter. I wish I could make camp and hide from the world for a bit. spin a web and rest, rest, rest. but, alas, life goes on, and I must go on with it.

I made it through midterms. making the decision to return to college was very difficult. I prayed and waited for a while until I felt that God wanted me to start school again. it's easy to commit to something at the beginning. it's hard to keep fighting for it. I feel my steam running out as we reach the end of week five. I find myself thinking, 'can I really do this over and over and over again?'. but, I have to remind myself of one very important truth. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. I have to remember to continue to look to Him and not my own capabilities. I am weak but He is strong. He can take my dreams and give them wings. but I have to give them away to Him first. so, that is what I am trying to do on this late summer night. 

my sisters and I watched Sense and Sensibility (2008) last night. it is my favorite Jane Austen story. after watching it, I browsed realty sites in Ireland and England to see how much a romantic little cottage like Barton Cottage is. just in case my love and I decide it's time for an adventure in another country. they were quite expensive. but so, so charming. there really is nothing like a home. a home is worth more than gold. I have been daydreaming about my future home. how I will arrange the furniture, what foods I will make in our kitchen, where it will be, how the sun will fall into the windows and across bookshelves. in fact, I have an exact home in my mind that I have seen as my future home for almost 9 years now. I know every room and floorboard. it's so vivid. my secret hope is that when my love and I finally start looking for a house, we will walk into one that looks exactly like that little house in my mind and I'll know that's where we're supposed to be.  

me drinking tea in my imaginary future home

I discovered Half Baked Harvest recently. I can't stop scrolling through her site, her recipes look so delicious and have unique flavor combinations. I bought her cook book 'super simple' and already have so many different recipes I want to make. these sliders for when I go to my love's parent's house to watch football, chai cinnamon rolls for that one day a year I crave something sweet, this delicious cheese & croissant bake for a chilly Sunday morning, and this lemon broccoli salad because broccoli is one of my favorite foods.

though I am anxious for the changing seasons, and the second 8 weeks of the fall semester, I know my God is with me. and every day that I can, I will choose to believe that my future is blooming, blazing, bright because it is made by Him. so, with that in mind, I can't wait for tomorrow.

- from Nie

the last samurai

 

the last samurai is an outstanding film. it has been one of my favorites since I first saw it as a preteen. my sister and I used to watch it daily. there was something so deep and meaningful weaved throughout a story that could've been reduced to a film of impressive moves and epic battles. there was something so heavy that I could feel in my chest as I watched the story progress and the heaviness did not release until the end of the film. the journey Captain Algren goes on was very impactful to me. the whole film is laced with themes of deep regret. of being unable to let go or to forgive. Algren's character stands out to me for his ability to never give up. he never backs down. never gives in. and as the film progresses he learns the value of belief so deep you'd die for it.

there is also a beautiful illustration of the value of a simple, disciplined life. no fancy clothes, multiple cars, flashy jewels, giant houses, businesses, roads, or restaurants.  just family, duty, honor, community, stability, safety, and values. the older I get the more I realize that this is the way we were supposed to live. God intended for us to be rich in the spirit. to enjoy his earth. to know the meaning of family. of community. this world is starving for it. Algren's entire perspective on life and loss, on love and happiness is altered once he sets foot in Katsumoto's village. and there is a sense that he could have never dreamed that his life could be that way. but from the samurai and the people who live there, he learns that he can have that small measure of peace too. 

this film is shot so beautifully. one element I noticed was how much effort they put into the settings. from the dense fog and the blue light of the moon that illuminates the samurai's armor in the first battle between Katsumoto's men and Algren's, to the bright beauty of the day they have the final bloody battle. there is a lot of contrast and the background is not left out but used as another tool to tell the story. how beautiful it was that every one of the rebels were willing to die for what they believed in, how hopeful they were, how moving it was fits the weather and the sun, and makes the darkness of their situation, their certain end, and the brutality of the battle cut deeper.

the film was so vivid. something I've noticed about films from the late nineties and early 2000s is that they didn't try to be aesthetic as much as they tried to be realistic and rich in depth. this film used colors, textures, and tones that felt like they could have really existed. there was nothing unbelievable about the sets or the props, but that they were unbelievably beautiful. 

this film has a powerful script and one of the most beautiful and haunting soundtracks in film. there are several impactful lines that make you hold your breath as you ponder them. however, my favorite element of the script is the fact that it embraces pauses and silence so frequently. this is not done merely because over half of the characters are not supposed to be English speaking. this is done because silence is impactful. silence, space, and implication are key to the best storytelling. the soundtrack supports the story instead of clashing against it or stealing the show. it flows in and out of each scene creating a heart-string-pulling effect.

whatever it takes to make a truly good story, an unforgettable film, and an vivid illustration of themes of regret, bravery, and belief, the last samurai has it in abundance.

- from Nie

I whisper in my secret language

listen

do you know this feeling? when you're doing everything right. but everything right somehow feels wrong?

like making a bed, or sealing an envelope, or signing a check is hiding something sinister. a bond. the bill of sale for my life. as if changing my tires, and making meals for work, and ironing a shirt were the bold, black letters of my name, agreeing to relinquish my freedom.  

it's silly. I know. after all, it's just a feeling.

a feeling. a sensation. that whispers to me in the moments between the close of my eyes and the onset of sleep. a whisper that I hear in the quiet moments of the day. the inexplicably still moments, where not even a bird chirps. I hear it then. 

and I shake my head. I furrow my brow. say, "let me be". after all does God not say hard work is glory? does God not say to be humble? 

and then there are the musts. I must eat, I must pay expenses, I must keep a car, keep a house, keep a pet, keep a plant. I must have clothes to wear, and lotions and shoes. I must. and if I must, then I must work. work, work, work. if I am not a worker. what can I be? I can't be anything but a sore backed, crooked, silent worker in this world. I am not allowed to be anything else. 

am I?

i am not a wanderer. or a solitary. supposed to dig into some underground place and simply create.

am I?

I don't think I am.

I didn't think I was. 

until I woke up in the middle of the night to write poetry.

until I stood in the bright square the mid day sun cast on my floor and I played my violin until there was no more sun. 

until I sat here, typing. clicking the keys to help relieve some of the pent up pain. 

I rush here to whisper in my secret language. so quiet. anonymous. it's safe. because no one hears. that way I can still tie my apron round my waist.

I didn't think I was anything else.

I don't think I am anything else. 

am I?

- from Nie