an update on life, writing, and my dramatic mind

spring is ending and summer is about to burst from the earth, lush and vivid and fierce. I cannot wait. I love sunshine and warmth. it's gotten to the point where I have to work hard not to get depressed every day in fall & winter. I think I was meant to live somewhere warm. that is what I told my husband. followed by, "sooo, do something about that"

life has been going by so so quickly! the year is already almost half way over. that shocks me. my birthday is coming next month, and the trip my husband and I planned to celebrate our first anniversary is coming soon too. so many happy things. 

my kitty pumpkin is sleeping on my lap as I write this. the air outside smells like fresh cut grass. it's a little chillier to day so I have a crewneck on. I also donned my pair of glasses. I like to wear them when I write though they have no prescription. it makes me feel serious and studious haha. 

some things are new since I last posted. I started writing my novel again. yes, that one. the sleepy hollow retelling I've been working on for ten years now. I am determined to finish it and am working on the zero draft now. I finally got the plot to someplace I like. there are advantages and disadvantages to taking on retellings. on one hand you have so much material thought out for you and nostalgia of a pre-loved tale to make yours seem more worth telling. but on the other hand you're restricted to certain themes and characters. in my opinion, a retelling should tell the original somewhere in its text, and should seek to improve upon it, not demolish it. otherwise just write your own story?? I hate when I read a "retelling" of a fairytale and the only similarity is that say with beauty & the beast, a girl falls in love with an unloveable guy. that's not a retelling that's a modern romance book at this point. anyways, I digress. 

I also wrote and will be submitting a short story to the first Reedsy short story contest. if you're a writer you should check it out! entries aren't due until the end of May so there's still some time. after the results come out I'll share my story here. all I'll say for now is that the prompt is 'change or transformation'. 

then I submitted some pieces to Bella Grace Magazine. I love, love, love their magazines. I haven't had a piece selected yet, but that's okay. I enjoy writing them and sending them in on the chance they will like one of them and publish it in one of the editions! I think my writing might be a bit strange compared to what they usually publish... *thinks back to the past four posts where I'm rambling about God given light and I sound just a tad nuts* *shrugs*

this blog truly feels like a place where I can be wholly me. I don't often feel like that. it is cherished. I have night sweats about blogger deleting the whole thing with no warning and all of my posts being lost forever. (you know like Polyvore did. still haven't gotten over that.)

lately I have been loving waffles with fruit, like strawberries or blueberries. greek yogurt bowls with my homemade granola. peaceful happy music like Jack Johnson. making lists. coming up with my own lotion recipes (though I haven't actually gotten to make one yet). playing pickleball. watching classic disney movies (peter pan is literally hilarious. their dad is comedy gold.) playing bananagrams with my love. and being outside as much as possible.

as I sit here, thinking of things to type up, the thing that's been weighing on my mind keeps popping up. I don't feel like writing one of my unhinged emotional posts about it. instead, I just genuinely want to write it out. the question that's been bothering me a lot.

how do you deal with change? change inside. how do you deal with that realization, that you're not the same as you once were?

it stuns me. as I reflect on how I've changed, grown, and aged, I don't know what to make of it. is it good? is it bad? is it real? most of the people around me never changed. never grew. I've never known anyone to change as much as I have. not in my personal life, I mean. 

I think it will probably feel good to say it. though, it scares me. 

I've changed. 

I have changed. I have grown. I am not the same as I used to be. 

it feels strange. almost as if I'm mourning the death of that former self. everything I've been through, whether good or bad, has shaped me. I looked at myself. in the frankest most honest way a person can. and I told myself I needed to change. I wanted to. and I did it. I was scared of it even then. scared I would fit in even less. scared of what would get left behind. 

the strange thing is, I didn't realize just how much I had changed until recently. I would deny it. but I think that is because I don't feel as though I've truly changed as much as I feel as though I became more me. who I always was, I guess? maybe I just like to think that. 

I used to struggle with authenticity so much. I don't struggle with it as much anymore. and I guess I'm wondering if that's because I've achieved my goal of changing into who I really am or is it that I morphed into something that is more like others and isn't challenged as much? 

these are the thoughts that keep me up at night. that and blogger being deleted. 

I'm realizing that I might be a very dramatic person. 

anyways, I miss blogs and I wish people still wrote them the way they used to. but I disappear for a year every other post so.... I really can't complain I guess. maybe I will start writing more? *immediately gets scared of commitment*

- from Nie

the secret

listen

 I haven't written on here at all this year. 

sometimes, this blog feels like an old friend. whose eyes are full of such knowing, that it's overwhelming to gaze into them again. 

will they see how I've changed?

will they tell me the changes were a lie? untrue? or worse - very much true, but wrong?

they're looking into me right now, unblinking. but so friendly. and warm. 

lately I've been struggling with the feeling of stagnation. of knowing how hard I've worked to grow, and how I've felt my mind and soul stretch and stretch almost to breaking, but I look down and see I'm no farther from the ground than I was before. is it an illusion? or is the concept of being able to grow on, away from something, from "before" the illusion? 

I'm not sure. I think, perhaps, it doesn't matter. what matters is that if I keep my eyes on the ground, I'll never reach for the stars. 

and that's what I plan to do. 

reach for the dusty, glimmering, pearlescent stars with both hands and my whole heart open. God placed something in me long ago. I struggle to define it, though I have tried to before in my writings here. it's this undying hope and ability to see that no matter how much I want to indulge my sorrows, to despair at the mere few inches of space between me and the ground below, I know better. 

it's almost as if I know a secret. a secret I try very hard to share with others. this secret gives me a lightness. it raises me up, and keeps me moving forward. I can't help but believe. 

believe for a future. believe for change. believe for amazing things-impossible things! 

maybe it's an overactive imagination. but, I've always known it to be something quite serious. serious and amazing. 

today was one of those days. where all I see are my failures. where I feel chained to the ground, doomed to gaze upon the stars trillions of miles away from me forever. I felt it. I cried over it. I'm not even sure what 'it' really is. 

living to the fullest? not quite. but close. 

soon, the secret was out. it dissolved the 'it' as rain washes chalk from a sidewalk. it was gone in a swirl of colors. and light took its place. 

you can do anything. you can run towards your fullest life, you can be authentically wholly you, you can choose joy every day. you can be invincible. it all starts inside. 

I like to think we all have a secret in us. and some just forgot. here is your reminder; nurture that hope and that light. that's what divides those that seem like they have the sun shining from their very smiles from those who seem cloaked in perpetual dim. it isn't life circumstance. some of the most beautiful, free, light souls have gone through deep pain and many setbacks. it's not money, or fame, or careers, or pretty bodies that decide who the happy ones are. 

it's our own decision. to trust in God. to believe His promises for us. and to continue to choose it everyday. it's an understanding that obstacles and setbacks and failures are either going to make us stronger or defeat us. it's entirely up to us what power we give to them. 

it's like magic, really. with God, and the power of your own mind and soul you can transform the biggest challenges to nothing but a lesson along the road. change a mile-wide chasm to a thin and albeit scary bridge, but a bridge no less. 

choose light, nurture the secret hopes you have, and turn your chasms into bridges. 

-from Nie

limitless

listen

are you limiting yourself? 

if you asked me this question a year ago, or even a month ago, I would say "not at all". and I would proceed to prove this to you by listing all of the ways I was challenging myself and all of the impressive projects I was working on. but what I wouldn't have told you about was the empty feeling I had. because I didn't tell myself about it until very recently. 

I have lived through days and days with a dark and nagging feeling in my stomach, in my head, and in my heart. I try to distract myself with little projects, grand plans, and complicated thoughts. but the nagging never goes away. it is something I am scared of, but I don't know why. I'm scared to find out what it is. I'm scared to admit that I feel it. but today, God lead me to learn its name. 

it is my potential. 

and I starve it regularly. 

who taught me to do that? I think I taught myself. because I thought it was safer. because I saw others do the same. I saw the sun rise and fall, and rise and fall, and rise and fall, and nothing grow or change in the hearts and eyes of the people around me. I saw them throw away their hours like dust from their boots. they chose to sit and age in cynicism. as a dreamer, this was so frightening to me. I didn't know how to exist in this world they were creating around me. 

as I grew, I began to cling to the idea of a large and important career. because I hungered to live out that potential that I hid away, but I was too afraid and too well trained to explore it. instead, I would jump from idea to idea, searching for the grandest option to look like I was living it up, so to speak. to replace what I believed I had starved to death. what I believed probably didn't even exist inside of me anymore. 

I would grasp at anything that was difficult or impressive. I committed myself to being a violinist, an author, a dancer, a naturopath, an historian, a professor, a linguist, a curator. I even tried to tie it to my faith, praying for a purpose and coming up with concepts that would help me help others. because I have always felt so empty inside. I thought surely all of this drive and passion that courses through my veins has a purpose. God promises that he has a purpose for me. 

so, why can't I find it? 

recently, I let go of yet another grand scheme for my life. and this time, when I let go, it felt different. it felt like I wasn't just letting go of an idea, but a cage. a cage that encased my whole heart. and I began to think.

could it be that this obsession with success, this insatiable need to impress others, to prove I wasn't like the glassy eyed dream crushers I grew up around, was actually the source of my hunger and not the solution?

after trying everything, I began to wonder. what if I just let go? what if I stopped searching for and desperately trying to create a purpose?

what if I accepted the fact that I inherited a purpose, from Jesus? a purpose that does not have to be earned or worked for or created by me. it doesn't have to be applauded by my family or awarded by strangers. it needs no degree. it asks for no titles. it is my right to life. my right to really, really live. 

what if, instead of crafting and scheming and forcing, I focused on listening to my heart. on becoming my own best friend. on nurturing the relationships God blessed me with. on following Him blindly and gladly. on stumbling on adventures. on diving head first into my unbridled potential. 

on being truly limitless. 

perhaps I'm just a crazy dreamer. but I can tell you, I feel different after this realization. I feel alive where before I felt dead. it's as though a cloak of peacefulness has rested itself on my shoulders. it has given me permission to stop fighting for the wrong things. 

everyone has their struggle. the thing that they idolize. the thing that keeps them from connecting to God. the thing that Satan uses to hold them back. this has been mine. and it will continue to be mine. but as long as I keep letting go of that cage, I'll remain free. because the choice is ultimately mine. 

my life looks different now. not on the outside, or to others. but my relationship with myself and the wars that would wage inside of me have changed. I want to choose where I put my energy very carefully. I do not wish to waste any more time on vain ambitions. all of a sudden, the things that really matter to me seemed to be visible through the fog that had clouded my mind for so long. I feel more in touch with my natural desires and dispositions. 

I used to wonder why I couldn't tell what I wanted, even down to the simplest decisions. do I like this music? do I want to do this activity? am I okay? these questions flooded my mind constantly. I believe my obsession with success was clouding my entire God given identity from me. it is confusing for your soul to be ignored. 

I don't want to try to be something I'm not. I want to focus on my health, my faith, my family. I want my everyday life to be bursting with joy and adventure. I want to be courageous and powerful. strong and resilient. all the things I never was because I was dedicating all of my worth and energy into something so unworthy as a career. imagine that. all of my worth into a job. no wonder I felt so empty. 

obsessing that way kept me chasing after the future. it tricked me into staying sick, sad, and lonely even though I'm surrounded by every opportunity for health, happiness, and hope. don't let anyone tell you how to live. especially not the devil. stop limiting yourself. stop making yourself small and helpless and dependent on the approval of the world. we aren't made for that. we're made for so much more.

I am worthy because God has given me worth and love and grace. I am worthy as I am.

I am strong. I am powerful. I am healthy. with God, I am limitless. and I think I'm finally starting to believe that.

are you? 

sleep milk, scribbling prayers, and life lately

hello, old friend.

almost an entire year has passed without word from me. I am still here. the road goes ever on and on. you won't get any profound words from me in this post. no recollections of the past year, or soliloquies of hopes for the future (except to remark on the fact that I am now married. such a dream to say it). it is 11:46 pm at the moment and I'm too restless. lately I have been struggling to fall asleep and to stay asleep. tonight is more of the same, so instead of laying in the dark willing myself to suddenly be comfortable and at peace, I got up and went to my office to journal while listening to some instrumental worship music (a link to a couple of my favorites below).

I started journaling again this year. I used to keep a daily journal as a teen and it helped me navigate through my fears, thoughts, and feelings so much. somewhere along the line I started to feel "watched" as I wrote. worried that my handwriting was imperfect, or tried too hard to make the writing special. so, I stopped. this year, out of desperation to calm my ever-talking mind, I pulled my rose gold notebook I used for a few devotions down off the shelf and started scribbling away. it relieved so much anxiety in me. one of my favorite parts of journaling is writing out a prayer. I did this when I was just 12 years old and it helped me communicate what my soul was trying to say to Jesus, helped me focus on asking God for help, or truly thanking Him. it has been wonderful to journal again, and tonight I wrote a powerful prayer.

after scribbling for a bit and gently swatting my cat Pumpkin away (she would sit on my face 24/7 if it were possible), I found I still wasn’t tired. I remembered something else younger me used to do (where did all this self care wisdom go?). when I couldn't sleep, I would make a mug of sleep milk and listen to The Chronicles of Narnia audiobook. sleep milk is my own creation (I say that like no one has ever thought to mix these things together. haha.) and is simply a mug of warm milk with one teaspoon of honey, cinnamon, and nutmeg in it. I would sip on it as I sat up in a chair or on top my covers listening to the story of the Pevensies. then, when that feeling of sleep began to return to my eyes, I would lower the volume and lay down. usually, I would fall asleep. 

eager to soothe myself to sleep tonight, I made some sleep milk and logged on here to write. I am not sleepy yet, but I am only halfway through my mug. so there's still hope. 

I don't have the energy to recount the year, but I do have the energy to tell you what I've been loving/doing lately. lately, I've been listening to inspiring music like The Last Goodbye from Billy Boyd and The Middle of Starting Over from Sabrina Carpenter (different vibes, I know). I've been researching holistic health and creating a compendium of home remedies to use for myself and my loved ones. I've been picking sections of my house to deep clean with my homemade essential oil cleaners (getting crazy, I know. very exciting). I've been reading more. currently reading a book called Breaking Time by Sasha Alsberg (goodreads link below). I've been eating healthier. I've been preparing for fall. I made mini apple pies earlier this week and yesterday I made mini quiches. I put out some autumn decor and pulled all my sweaters to the front of my closet. I've been working on being wholly authentic and trusting God. the latter I believe I will be working on until I meet Him in person....

and most exciting of all, I've been working on a very special project with my sister. currently secret, very magical and happy and special. more on that at the end of this year. 

I'm nearly finished with my mug of sleep milk. feeling drowsy but not sleepy. 

some thoughts that popped into my head as I was writing:

will this be the year I actually participate in nanowrimo? not sure, because it seems to have died out. 

if I bought a long autumnal skirt would I wear it or would I just like to think I would?

should I reheat this last bit of milk? nah. 

I'm so excited to watch The Lord of The Rings my bones hurt. 

I wonder what tomorrow will be like. oh look, it is tomorrow. it's 12:11 am.

I crave chicken noodle soup so bad.

I have finished my sleep milk. I think, if I lay down with a book, I might doze off soon. 

until next time reader, 

from Nie

yeshua | link

holy forever | link

goodreads | link