running with the wolves

listen

have you ever felt like there was a beast inside of you? not a harmful one. but wild. untamed. it is powerful but gentle. 

I can feel that beast, rising in me. in times of sorrow, or deep nights when all I can hear is the whisper of my own hidden thoughts. 

what is it made of?

mine is made up of forgotten dreams, and hushed pains. secret feelings I have balled up and tossed into the abyss of my soul. 

I'm scared of the beast inside of me. I trust it less than I trust the face in the mirror. I'm scared of the beast, not because she will hurt me. not because she will change me. I am scared of the beast because 

she is me. 

she is raw me. and she could set me free. if I let her.

the face in the mirror does not like her. she does not like anything she cannot control. she only lets the beast out on a tight leash. when she needs its power. 

what makes a beast? is it pain or pleasure. isolation or society. concealment or exposure. 

a beast consumes and gives nothing. a beast hunts the weak and broken. a beast lies. cheats. steals. bargains. and a beast never dreams. 

so

the beast is not the wild things inside of me. the passion, the unruly hope, the vivid dreams. 

the beast is the face in the mirror. and if one day, the leash snaps, she will finally meet 

herself

-from Nie

the h u n t

people often say

they are haunted by life

I am too

but she is not in the shadows that follow me

she doesn't whisper in my ear 

the sins of my past

the possibilities of my future

such people are  h u n t e d  by life

I  h u n t  life

the very figure of life 

she is wild

like a mare 

she is flashing ahead of me

like bolts of lightning 

she is everywhere I am not

she is tossing her mane on the horizon

I can see her

but I will never make it to her in time

it is the experience of life that I  h u n t

in all the wrong places 

I  h u n t

in buildings, in streetlights, in the eyes of people

what would it be like

to ride on her back

yes, I  h u n t  her daily

I don't want to die

before I've had one ride

-from Nie

a wish for winter

 

listen

today is the first truly cold day where I live. I dug my scarf and gloves out of the closet, but I won't be using them today. I am sick and have lost my voice. It is hard to slow down, and to really rest, but it is also nice. nice to just sit and think in the safety and warmth of my home. 

my thoughts today are on winter. winter, to me, is powerful and intimidating. it is difficult to love. with flurries and icicles, bright rays of sun, bitter air. every year, I try to embrace what is beautiful about it. try to taste a little bite in the hopes that in a few years, I might like the flavor of wintertime.

lately, all I want to do is spend time with my family and my love. it doesn't matter what we do. it could simply be reading in the same room. I just want to be in their presence. I wish the world would slow down, release its grip on me, so that I could better enjoy the small moments of my life. but it feels as though everything is whirling around me and it is all controlled by others. my job makes me sick and too tired to do much of anything. that doesn't seem right. 

so, if I had one wish for this winter, it would be that I might find more time to sit with those I love. and more time to do the things I love. and that I could enjoy this year's winter just a little bit more than the last (if I really try).

my early winter favorites

1. jelly + butter toast with sourdough bread. best snack ever.

2. this oversized plaid pullover lined with faux fleece. it is much warmer than my coat and is oversized because my little sister who owned it before is much taller than me.

3. puzzles. my love and I are working on a puzzle right now. it is very relaxing and actually quite difficult. 

4. ren: the girl with the mark + kin fables trilogy. 

5. fresh linen scents. after I wash my clothes I just want to wrap them all around me and breathe the scents in. 

- from Nie

hello, again

 listen 

I left this blog over a year ago. when I did, I also left many other things. writing stories, playing music, dancing, dreaming. in the empty space that formed in the nest of who I am when I stopped creating, I sat. 

I don't think I have ever known until now, how much of a creator I am. I would always tuck my creativity away. fold it up neatly, creased corners, and stick it in a drawer or hide it behind my bookshelf. somewhere I could find it again, but where no one else could see it. 

why 

because in many ways being a creator is to experience pain. 

not glamorous, all encompassing, flashy pain. not visible pain that can be pitied or understood. 

no

it if painful to feel so deeply. it is painful to step back, look at what you created, and see something distorted. to see something that failed to interpret the language of the soul to the human eye. painful to be barred from creating. when the world gets in the way, it hurts. when your jobs, and your people, and your bank, and your need to eat get in the way, it is not just painful. it's angering. 

at least, it is for me. 

I am often angry. and because I do not know how to live the way I need to live, I tuck that need away. I attempt to snuff it out. drown it. choke it. hide it. destroy it. 

but because this part of me, like all of me, is from God, I never succeed.

so, I made my way back here. to this place where my creative language flows. hello, again. 

part of me wishes I'd never said goodbye. but I have surely been on a journey in this past year. not just creatively, but spiritually. in the absence of my creative spirit I focused on God more than I ever have. and He showed me how to depend on Him and He is still showing me who I am. 

He helped me to understand that the world does not define me. and that if I feel lost, it's because 

I'm meant for 

another world. 

- from Nie