sleep milk, scribbling prayers, and life lately

hello, old friend.

almost an entire year has passed without word from me. I am still here. the road goes ever on and on. you won't get any profound words from me in this post. no recollections of the past year, or soliloquies of hopes for the future (except to remark on the fact that I am now married. such a dream to say it). it is 11:46 pm at the moment and I'm too restless. lately I have been struggling to fall asleep and to stay asleep. tonight is more of the same, so instead of laying in the dark willing myself to suddenly be comfortable and at peace, I got up and went to my office to journal while listening to some instrumental worship music (a link to a couple of my favorites below).

I started journaling again this year. I used to keep a daily journal as a teen and it helped me navigate through my fears, thoughts, and feelings so much. somewhere along the line I started to feel "watched" as I wrote. worried that my handwriting was imperfect, or tried too hard to make the writing special. so, I stopped. this year, out of desperation to calm my ever-talking mind, I pulled my rose gold notebook I used for a few devotions down off the shelf and started scribbling away. it relieved so much anxiety in me. one of my favorite parts of journaling is writing out a prayer. I did this when I was just 12 years old and it helped me communicate what my soul was trying to say to Jesus, helped me focus on asking God for help, or truly thanking Him. it has been wonderful to journal again, and tonight I wrote a powerful prayer.

after scribbling for a bit and gently swatting my cat Pumpkin away (she would sit on my face 24/7 if it were possible), I found I still wasn’t tired. I remembered something else younger me used to do (where did all this self care wisdom go?). when I couldn't sleep, I would make a mug of sleep milk and listen to The Chronicles of Narnia audiobook. sleep milk is my own creation (I say that like no one has ever thought to mix these things together. haha.) and is simply a mug of warm milk with one teaspoon of honey, cinnamon, and nutmeg in it. I would sip on it as I sat up in a chair or on top my covers listening to the story of the Pevensies. then, when that feeling of sleep began to return to my eyes, I would lower the volume and lay down. usually, I would fall asleep. 

eager to soothe myself to sleep tonight, I made some sleep milk and logged on here to write. I am not sleepy yet, but I am only halfway through my mug. so there's still hope. 

I don't have the energy to recount the year, but I do have the energy to tell you what I've been loving/doing lately. lately, I've been listening to inspiring music like The Last Goodbye from Billy Boyd and The Middle of Starting Over from Sabrina Carpenter (different vibes, I know). I've been researching holistic health and creating a compendium of home remedies to use for myself and my loved ones. I've been picking sections of my house to deep clean with my homemade essential oil cleaners (getting crazy, I know. very exciting). I've been reading more. currently reading a book called Breaking Time by Sasha Alsberg (goodreads link below). I've been eating healthier. I've been preparing for fall. I made mini apple pies earlier this week and yesterday I made mini quiches. I put out some autumn decor and pulled all my sweaters to the front of my closet. I've been working on being wholly authentic and trusting God. the latter I believe I will be working on until I meet Him in person....

and most exciting of all, I've been working on a very special project with my sister. currently secret, very magical and happy and special. more on that at the end of this year. 

I'm nearly finished with my mug of sleep milk. feeling drowsy but not sleepy. 

some thoughts that popped into my head as I was writing:

will this be the year I actually participate in nanowrimo? not sure, because it seems to have died out. 

if I bought a long autumnal skirt would I wear it or would I just like to think I would?

should I reheat this last bit of milk? nah. 

I'm so excited to watch The Lord of The Rings my bones hurt. 

I wonder what tomorrow will be like. oh look, it is tomorrow. it's 12:11 am.

I crave chicken noodle soup so bad.

I have finished my sleep milk. I think, if I lay down with a book, I might doze off soon. 

until next time reader, 

from Nie

yeshua | link

holy forever | link

goodreads | link

unpopular opinions | book tag

it is a strange feeling to introduce you all to my face. but it is exciting too! I have wanted to make videos for a long while now, but I never had the courage. I am much more familiar with writing than speaking. and then there was always the appeal of hiding behind the anonymity of a blog. but I have been feeling very bold lately, and life is too short not to embrace fun and creative ideas. so, hello readers! here is my first video and my face. 

-from Nie

in awe of it all

listen

tonight, I'm in awe of it all. of all that God has done in my little life. 

have you ever gotten a glimpse of it? that moment where the human limitations of your mind recede, and the glory of God at work shows all around you like the ghosts of neon streaks against black skies? for a moment, you understand why you went through valleys so deep and dark you believed you would never know the warmth of light on your skin again. for a moment, you are face to face with yourself. and you see how she needed to grow into you. 

God sends these whispered moments to me. like a lighthouse on the ocean, its glow lasts only for a second, but it stirs in me an unbridled hope. a passion and joy bursts in my chest. as if I can feel Jesus reaching into my heart, and relighting the candle of perseverance in me. he keeps it burning. if ever it goes out, I'm shepherded back with an electrifying call from Him. with something akin to magic or dreams or prophecy. I don't know what it is but the communication of my soul and Jesus. a message sent to me that needs no words and knows no bounds. when suddenly I have a sixth sense. a spiritual sense of all that is happening around us that we cannot see. all the ways God lifts me up on his shoulders. I feel how deeply He believes in me. how deeply He loves me. I know that I am limitless with Him. 

and then - it's gone. like a warm embrace that leaves a shadow of pressure on my skin, it's gone, but the rejuvenation it brought to my soul remains. like water dousing hungry petals, my soul is fortified. I wish every spirit on earth could feel the wild, limitless joy He gives to me. 

I wish I listened to it more, and held it closer to my heart. this year, I will not forget God's might. I will not fear what may come. I will remember that I am limitless with Jesus. I am loved beyond all comprehension. I am valued more than precious jewels. I am purer than crystal oceans. I am stronger than mountain stones. and tonight, I am in awe of it all .

- from Nie

i feed it the ugly little things

at first;

i don't think they understand

the gravity when i say to them

'i can't manage 

one good day'

when i say to them over coffee

'i'm spinning so fast i can't

see'

at first;

i don't think they understand

the weight of the words 

that fall from my mouth after 

they ask

'and how are you?'

but then;

the words i use are tart

nasty dark things to say

'not so good' 

or even 'i don't know'

isn't welcome in bookshops

on the way into the classroom

or even in the churches

the gravity

the weight

the words stir something up 

inside of them

burn their tongues

set their minds ablaze

they dash the spark out of me

afraid it will catch

but i keep it going

feed it 

with truth and the ugly little things

because 

i'm more afraid of the dark

i guess this is how it feels

to be told 

'i really don't understand'

- from Nie