of birthdays, blueberry muffins, and trips to ikea

listen

my birthday came and went. I am now 29! this is my last year in my 20s and I want to make it a good one. I woke up to the perfect weather. it was sunny but the sky was freckled with big white clouds that kept it from being too hot. it ended up sprinkling in the evening and I loved it. I made blueberry muffins and had my favorite Aldea coffee with two muffins for breakfast. 

the best breakfast

then, my love took me to a floral shop to pick out my own birthday bouquet! I don't know much about flowers and I used to have no interest in them but more recently I have found it is very nice to have real plants in the house. it brings a healthy feeling into the home. 

we went to walk around a lake town that has many different types of shops that carry unique items and gifts and books. I got some lavender bubble bath and a new bag. it is from a company that is owned by a mother and daughter in Spain and they hand make all of the pretty bags. we got coffee from the local cafe and ended the night running through the sprinkling rain into the ice cream shop for milkshakes. I didn't get one; ice cream isn't my favorite I prefer frozen yogurt. but I sat with my love and my sisters as they enjoyed their shakes. 

on the way home we passed a wheat field. it was absolutely beautiful. I've never seen one before! where I live there are mostly only corn or soybean fields. it truly looked like a van gogh painting come to life. 

my hygge bear socks I haven't taken off since my birthday

my sisters got me wonderful gifts like fuzzy socks and a tonka bean cinnamon candle that smells amazinggg- even a gift card to get a massage. everyone got me cards and made me feel quite loved! people at work even decorated my cubicle for my day. this year, I was overwhelmed with the feeling of being spoiled. 

the girls in this puzzle look suspiciously
like me and my sister celena

a bike parked outside of the bakery in Grand
Haven

lavender vanilla, creme brûlée, key lime pie, 
nutella, rose, and strawberry cheesecake

a week before my actual birthday, my husband and I went on a trip to our favorite little beach town to celebrate both our 1st anniversary and my day. I didn't get many photos; I am so bad at taking pictures and always forget in the moment. we sat on the beach though it was too cold to get in the water. I watched people fly kites and soaked in the sun. we went to our favorite bakery and got a giant blueberry cinnamon roll. it looks like cartoon food to me. we walked around and enjoyed the peace and time with each other. on our way home we stopped at a small macaron shop. it was beautiful! the macarons were very very good. I had the creme brûlée, my husband had the key lime pie, and the rest I gifted to my sisters. 

posture score = -100

and yesterday, we had yet another adventure. we drove up to IKEA on the hunt for a nightstand for my love. I have had the same nightstand for years that I brought with me when I moved in. it was handmade by my grandpa and I love it! my sisters cat shredded the legs and I left a candle burning for 10+ hours that melted the stain on top, but we don't look at that. my husband has had to leave his bible and watch and notebook on the floor so I suggested we go and pick one out for him. I also picked up a few items for the house. 

I am slowly but surely transforming our home where I can and when I can and I love every moment of it. there is something about doing this little by little that I love. if I had all the money in the world and could snap my fingers and get everything at once, I don't think I'd enjoy it as much and I certainly wouldn't appreciate it as much. I also believe that what gives a home an authentic and signature feel is that it is crafted and created over time and it is allowed to change as your life changes in it. the fact that I can only get things in small batches when we can afford it means I carefully think about purchases before I make them and keeps me from buying a lot of things that suit the mood I'm currently in and flooding the house with a "cookie cutter" feeling. 

overall, June was a month filled with many blessings. I am trying to enjoy each day of summer and not skip ahead to fall. I want to soak in every day of the next year before I start the new adventure of being in my 30s! I hope, reader, your summer is also filled with blessings. 

- from Nie

an update on life, writing, and my dramatic mind

spring is ending and summer is about to burst from the earth, lush and vivid and fierce. I cannot wait. I love sunshine and warmth. it's gotten to the point where I have to work hard not to get depressed every day in fall & winter. I think I was meant to live somewhere warm. that is what I told my husband. followed by, "sooo, do something about that"

life has been going by so so quickly! the year is already almost half way over. that shocks me. my birthday is coming next month, and the trip my husband and I planned to celebrate our first anniversary is coming soon too. so many happy things. 

my kitty pumpkin is sleeping on my lap as I write this. the air outside smells like fresh cut grass. it's a little chillier to day so I have a crewneck on. I also donned my pair of glasses. I like to wear them when I write though they have no prescription. it makes me feel serious and studious haha. 

some things are new since I last posted. I started writing my novel again. yes, that one. the sleepy hollow retelling I've been working on for ten years now. I am determined to finish it and am working on the zero draft now. I finally got the plot to someplace I like. there are advantages and disadvantages to taking on retellings. on one hand you have so much material thought out for you and nostalgia of a pre-loved tale to make yours seem more worth telling. but on the other hand you're restricted to certain themes and characters. in my opinion, a retelling should tell the original somewhere in its text, and should seek to improve upon it, not demolish it. otherwise just write your own story?? I hate when I read a "retelling" of a fairytale and the only similarity is that say with beauty & the beast, a girl falls in love with an unloveable guy. that's not a retelling that's a modern romance book at this point. anyways, I digress. 

I also wrote and will be submitting a short story to the first Reedsy short story contest. if you're a writer you should check it out! entries aren't due until the end of May so there's still some time. after the results come out I'll share my story here. all I'll say for now is that the prompt is 'change or transformation'. 

then I submitted some pieces to Bella Grace Magazine. I love, love, love their magazines. I haven't had a piece selected yet, but that's okay. I enjoy writing them and sending them in on the chance they will like one of them and publish it in one of the editions! I think my writing might be a bit strange compared to what they usually publish... *thinks back to the past four posts where I'm rambling about God given light and I sound just a tad nuts* *shrugs*

this blog truly feels like a place where I can be wholly me. I don't often feel like that. it is cherished. I have night sweats about blogger deleting the whole thing with no warning and all of my posts being lost forever. (you know like Polyvore did. still haven't gotten over that.)

lately I have been loving waffles with fruit, like strawberries or blueberries. greek yogurt bowls with my homemade granola. peaceful happy music like Jack Johnson. making lists. coming up with my own lotion recipes (though I haven't actually gotten to make one yet). playing pickleball. watching classic disney movies (peter pan is literally hilarious. their dad is comedy gold.) playing bananagrams with my love. and being outside as much as possible.

as I sit here, thinking of things to type up, the thing that's been weighing on my mind keeps popping up. I don't feel like writing one of my unhinged emotional posts about it. instead, I just genuinely want to write it out. the question that's been bothering me a lot.

how do you deal with change? change inside. how do you deal with that realization, that you're not the same as you once were?

it stuns me. as I reflect on how I've changed, grown, and aged, I don't know what to make of it. is it good? is it bad? is it real? most of the people around me never changed. never grew. I've never known anyone to change as much as I have. not in my personal life, I mean. 

I think it will probably feel good to say it. though, it scares me. 

I've changed. 

I have changed. I have grown. I am not the same as I used to be. 

it feels strange. almost as if I'm mourning the death of that former self. everything I've been through, whether good or bad, has shaped me. I looked at myself. in the frankest most honest way a person can. and I told myself I needed to change. I wanted to. and I did it. I was scared of it even then. scared I would fit in even less. scared of what would get left behind. 

the strange thing is, I didn't realize just how much I had changed until recently. I would deny it. but I think that is because I don't feel as though I've truly changed as much as I feel as though I became more me. who I always was, I guess? maybe I just like to think that. 

I used to struggle with authenticity so much. I don't struggle with it as much anymore. and I guess I'm wondering if that's because I've achieved my goal of changing into who I really am or is it that I morphed into something that is more like others and isn't challenged as much? 

these are the thoughts that keep me up at night. that and blogger being deleted. 

I'm realizing that I might be a very dramatic person. 

anyways, I miss blogs and I wish people still wrote them the way they used to. but I disappear for a year every other post so.... I really can't complain I guess. maybe I will start writing more? *immediately gets scared of commitment*

- from Nie

the secret

listen

 I haven't written on here at all this year. 

sometimes, this blog feels like an old friend. whose eyes are full of such knowing, that it's overwhelming to gaze into them again. 

will they see how I've changed?

will they tell me the changes were a lie? untrue? or worse - very much true, but wrong?

they're looking into me right now, unblinking. but so friendly. and warm. 

lately I've been struggling with the feeling of stagnation. of knowing how hard I've worked to grow, and how I've felt my mind and soul stretch and stretch almost to breaking, but I look down and see I'm no farther from the ground than I was before. is it an illusion? or is the concept of being able to grow on, away from something, from "before" the illusion? 

I'm not sure. I think, perhaps, it doesn't matter. what matters is that if I keep my eyes on the ground, I'll never reach for the stars. 

and that's what I plan to do. 

reach for the dusty, glimmering, pearlescent stars with both hands and my whole heart open. God placed something in me long ago. I struggle to define it, though I have tried to before in my writings here. it's this undying hope and ability to see that no matter how much I want to indulge my sorrows, to despair at the mere few inches of space between me and the ground below, I know better. 

it's almost as if I know a secret. a secret I try very hard to share with others. this secret gives me a lightness. it raises me up, and keeps me moving forward. I can't help but believe. 

believe for a future. believe for change. believe for amazing things-impossible things! 

maybe it's an overactive imagination. but, I've always known it to be something quite serious. serious and amazing. 

today was one of those days. where all I see are my failures. where I feel chained to the ground, doomed to gaze upon the stars trillions of miles away from me forever. I felt it. I cried over it. I'm not even sure what 'it' really is. 

living to the fullest? not quite. but close. 

soon, the secret was out. it dissolved the 'it' as rain washes chalk from a sidewalk. it was gone in a swirl of colors. and light took its place. 

you can do anything. you can run towards your fullest life, you can be authentically wholly you, you can choose joy every day. you can be invincible. it all starts inside. 

I like to think we all have a secret in us. and some just forgot. here is your reminder; nurture that hope and that light. that's what divides those that seem like they have the sun shining from their very smiles from those who seem cloaked in perpetual dim. it isn't life circumstance. some of the most beautiful, free, light souls have gone through deep pain and many setbacks. it's not money, or fame, or careers, or pretty bodies that decide who the happy ones are. 

it's our own decision. to trust in God. to believe His promises for us. and to continue to choose it everyday. it's an understanding that obstacles and setbacks and failures are either going to make us stronger or defeat us. it's entirely up to us what power we give to them. 

it's like magic, really. with God, and the power of your own mind and soul you can transform the biggest challenges to nothing but a lesson along the road. change a mile-wide chasm to a thin and albeit scary bridge, but a bridge no less. 

choose light, nurture the secret hopes you have, and turn your chasms into bridges. 

-from Nie

limitless

listen

are you limiting yourself? 

if you asked me this question a year ago, or even a month ago, I would say "not at all". and I would proceed to prove this to you by listing all of the ways I was challenging myself and all of the impressive projects I was working on. but what I wouldn't have told you about was the empty feeling I had. because I didn't tell myself about it until very recently. 

I have lived through days and days with a dark and nagging feeling in my stomach, in my head, and in my heart. I try to distract myself with little projects, grand plans, and complicated thoughts. but the nagging never goes away. it is something I am scared of, but I don't know why. I'm scared to find out what it is. I'm scared to admit that I feel it. but today, God lead me to learn its name. 

it is my potential. 

and I starve it regularly. 

who taught me to do that? I think I taught myself. because I thought it was safer. because I saw others do the same. I saw the sun rise and fall, and rise and fall, and rise and fall, and nothing grow or change in the hearts and eyes of the people around me. I saw them throw away their hours like dust from their boots. they chose to sit and age in cynicism. as a dreamer, this was so frightening to me. I didn't know how to exist in this world they were creating around me. 

as I grew, I began to cling to the idea of a large and important career. because I hungered to live out that potential that I hid away, but I was too afraid and too well trained to explore it. instead, I would jump from idea to idea, searching for the grandest option to look like I was living it up, so to speak. to replace what I believed I had starved to death. what I believed probably didn't even exist inside of me anymore. 

I would grasp at anything that was difficult or impressive. I committed myself to being a violinist, an author, a dancer, a naturopath, an historian, a professor, a linguist, a curator. I even tried to tie it to my faith, praying for a purpose and coming up with concepts that would help me help others. because I have always felt so empty inside. I thought surely all of this drive and passion that courses through my veins has a purpose. God promises that he has a purpose for me. 

so, why can't I find it? 

recently, I let go of yet another grand scheme for my life. and this time, when I let go, it felt different. it felt like I wasn't just letting go of an idea, but a cage. a cage that encased my whole heart. and I began to think.

could it be that this obsession with success, this insatiable need to impress others, to prove I wasn't like the glassy eyed dream crushers I grew up around, was actually the source of my hunger and not the solution?

after trying everything, I began to wonder. what if I just let go? what if I stopped searching for and desperately trying to create a purpose?

what if I accepted the fact that I inherited a purpose, from Jesus? a purpose that does not have to be earned or worked for or created by me. it doesn't have to be applauded by my family or awarded by strangers. it needs no degree. it asks for no titles. it is my right to life. my right to really, really live. 

what if, instead of crafting and scheming and forcing, I focused on listening to my heart. on becoming my own best friend. on nurturing the relationships God blessed me with. on following Him blindly and gladly. on stumbling on adventures. on diving head first into my unbridled potential. 

on being truly limitless. 

perhaps I'm just a crazy dreamer. but I can tell you, I feel different after this realization. I feel alive where before I felt dead. it's as though a cloak of peacefulness has rested itself on my shoulders. it has given me permission to stop fighting for the wrong things. 

everyone has their struggle. the thing that they idolize. the thing that keeps them from connecting to God. the thing that Satan uses to hold them back. this has been mine. and it will continue to be mine. but as long as I keep letting go of that cage, I'll remain free. because the choice is ultimately mine. 

my life looks different now. not on the outside, or to others. but my relationship with myself and the wars that would wage inside of me have changed. I want to choose where I put my energy very carefully. I do not wish to waste any more time on vain ambitions. all of a sudden, the things that really matter to me seemed to be visible through the fog that had clouded my mind for so long. I feel more in touch with my natural desires and dispositions. 

I used to wonder why I couldn't tell what I wanted, even down to the simplest decisions. do I like this music? do I want to do this activity? am I okay? these questions flooded my mind constantly. I believe my obsession with success was clouding my entire God given identity from me. it is confusing for your soul to be ignored. 

I don't want to try to be something I'm not. I want to focus on my health, my faith, my family. I want my everyday life to be bursting with joy and adventure. I want to be courageous and powerful. strong and resilient. all the things I never was because I was dedicating all of my worth and energy into something so unworthy as a career. imagine that. all of my worth into a job. no wonder I felt so empty. 

obsessing that way kept me chasing after the future. it tricked me into staying sick, sad, and lonely even though I'm surrounded by every opportunity for health, happiness, and hope. don't let anyone tell you how to live. especially not the devil. stop limiting yourself. stop making yourself small and helpless and dependent on the approval of the world. we aren't made for that. we're made for so much more.

I am worthy because God has given me worth and love and grace. I am worthy as I am.

I am strong. I am powerful. I am healthy. with God, I am limitless. and I think I'm finally starting to believe that.

are you? 

sleep milk, scribbling prayers, and life lately

hello, old friend.

almost an entire year has passed without word from me. I am still here. the road goes ever on and on. you won't get any profound words from me in this post. no recollections of the past year, or soliloquies of hopes for the future (except to remark on the fact that I am now married. such a dream to say it). it is 11:46 pm at the moment and I'm too restless. lately I have been struggling to fall asleep and to stay asleep. tonight is more of the same, so instead of laying in the dark willing myself to suddenly be comfortable and at peace, I got up and went to my office to journal while listening to some instrumental worship music (a link to a couple of my favorites below).

I started journaling again this year. I used to keep a daily journal as a teen and it helped me navigate through my fears, thoughts, and feelings so much. somewhere along the line I started to feel "watched" as I wrote. worried that my handwriting was imperfect, or tried too hard to make the writing special. so, I stopped. this year, out of desperation to calm my ever-talking mind, I pulled my rose gold notebook I used for a few devotions down off the shelf and started scribbling away. it relieved so much anxiety in me. one of my favorite parts of journaling is writing out a prayer. I did this when I was just 12 years old and it helped me communicate what my soul was trying to say to Jesus, helped me focus on asking God for help, or truly thanking Him. it has been wonderful to journal again, and tonight I wrote a powerful prayer.

after scribbling for a bit and gently swatting my cat Pumpkin away (she would sit on my face 24/7 if it were possible), I found I still wasn’t tired. I remembered something else younger me used to do (where did all this self care wisdom go?). when I couldn't sleep, I would make a mug of sleep milk and listen to The Chronicles of Narnia audiobook. sleep milk is my own creation (I say that like no one has ever thought to mix these things together. haha.) and is simply a mug of warm milk with one teaspoon of honey, cinnamon, and nutmeg in it. I would sip on it as I sat up in a chair or on top my covers listening to the story of the Pevensies. then, when that feeling of sleep began to return to my eyes, I would lower the volume and lay down. usually, I would fall asleep. 

eager to soothe myself to sleep tonight, I made some sleep milk and logged on here to write. I am not sleepy yet, but I am only halfway through my mug. so there's still hope. 

I don't have the energy to recount the year, but I do have the energy to tell you what I've been loving/doing lately. lately, I've been listening to inspiring music like The Last Goodbye from Billy Boyd and The Middle of Starting Over from Sabrina Carpenter (different vibes, I know). I've been researching holistic health and creating a compendium of home remedies to use for myself and my loved ones. I've been picking sections of my house to deep clean with my homemade essential oil cleaners (getting crazy, I know. very exciting). I've been reading more. currently reading a book called Breaking Time by Sasha Alsberg (goodreads link below). I've been eating healthier. I've been preparing for fall. I made mini apple pies earlier this week and yesterday I made mini quiches. I put out some autumn decor and pulled all my sweaters to the front of my closet. I've been working on being wholly authentic and trusting God. the latter I believe I will be working on until I meet Him in person....

and most exciting of all, I've been working on a very special project with my sister. currently secret, very magical and happy and special. more on that at the end of this year. 

I'm nearly finished with my mug of sleep milk. feeling drowsy but not sleepy. 

some thoughts that popped into my head as I was writing:

will this be the year I actually participate in nanowrimo? not sure, because it seems to have died out. 

if I bought a long autumnal skirt would I wear it or would I just like to think I would?

should I reheat this last bit of milk? nah. 

I'm so excited to watch The Lord of The Rings my bones hurt. 

I wonder what tomorrow will be like. oh look, it is tomorrow. it's 12:11 am.

I crave chicken noodle soup so bad.

I have finished my sleep milk. I think, if I lay down with a book, I might doze off soon. 

until next time reader, 

from Nie

yeshua | link

holy forever | link

goodreads | link

in awe of it all

listen

tonight, I'm in awe of it all. of all that God has done in my little life. 

have you ever gotten a glimpse of it? that moment where the human limitations of your mind recede, and the glory of God at work shows all around you like the ghosts of neon streaks against black skies? for a moment, you understand why you went through valleys so deep and dark you believed you would never know the warmth of light on your skin again. for a moment, you are face to face with yourself. and you see how she needed to grow into you. 

God sends these whispered moments to me. like a lighthouse on the ocean, its glow lasts only for a second, but it stirs in me an unbridled hope. a passion and joy bursts in my chest. as if I can feel Jesus reaching into my heart, and relighting the candle of perseverance in me. he keeps it burning. if ever it goes out, I'm shepherded back with an electrifying call from Him. with something akin to magic or dreams or prophecy. I don't know what it is but the communication of my soul and Jesus. a message sent to me that needs no words and knows no bounds. when suddenly I have a sixth sense. a spiritual sense of all that is happening around us that we cannot see. all the ways God lifts me up on his shoulders. I feel how deeply He believes in me. how deeply He loves me. I know that I am limitless with Him. 

and then - it's gone. like a warm embrace that leaves a shadow of pressure on my skin, it's gone, but the rejuvenation it brought to my soul remains. like water dousing hungry petals, my soul is fortified. I wish every spirit on earth could feel the wild, limitless joy He gives to me. 

I wish I listened to it more, and held it closer to my heart. this year, I will not forget God's might. I will not fear what may come. I will remember that I am limitless with Jesus. I am loved beyond all comprehension. I am valued more than precious jewels. I am purer than crystal oceans. I am stronger than mountain stones. and tonight, I am in awe of it all .

- from Nie

i feed it the ugly little things

at first;

i don't think they understand

the gravity when i say to them

'i can't manage 

one good day'

when i say to them over coffee

'i'm spinning so fast i can't

see'

at first;

i don't think they understand

the weight of the words 

that fall from my mouth after 

they ask

'and how are you?'

but then;

the words i use are tart

nasty dark things to say

'not so good' 

or even 'i don't know'

isn't welcome in bookshops

on the way into the classroom

or even in the churches

the gravity

the weight

the words stir something up 

inside of them

burn their tongues

set their minds ablaze

they dash the spark out of me

afraid it will catch

but i keep it going

feed it 

with truth and the ugly little things

because 

i'm more afraid of the dark

i guess this is how it feels

to be told 

'i really don't understand'

- from Nie

farewell two-thousand twenty-four

 listen

farewell to the year of growing pains. of recognizing my face again. of small adventures and big mistakes. of "never-before-done"s and "I will never do that again"s. of spiritual firsts, and worldly lasts. nighttime conversations with Jesus, and daytime surrender of control. of graduations, engagements, and last goodbyes. farewell to the gift that was two-thousand twenty-four. 

so many years I let slip between my fingers. streams of precious silvery water I let seep into the soil. this year was not perfect, nor did I always make myself proud. but this year, this year, I lived more than I have in the last four combined. this year, I remembered who the author of my life is. I remembered that through Him all things are possible. this year, He reminded me that I am strong. I am capable. I am loved. 

what a gift it is to have lived another year! I may be older. and in many ways it is hard to continue moving forward when there are so many things I wish had gone differently. so many things I wish I could change. but I can either run from the past or learn from it. I refuse to let past sorrows dim the light of my future. I believe with my whole soul that Jesus takes the worst of us all and he weaves it into something pure and beautiful and hopeful. Jesus remakes my mistakes into triumphs. he takes the wrongdoings and sorrows I have experienced and uses them to teach me how to be the best version of myself.

 I don't know what my future holds, but I know that I have the God of the universe on my side. that I need not worry about anything. that I can trust Him with my whole life and soul. and that I will be overflowing with joy as long as I let him have my everything. so, though where the road will take me I cannot tell, I will lose no sleep over it. I will smile in the face of uncertainty and see it for what it is with God - adventure. 

the best things about this year...

my engagement to my love

my little sister's graduation

small adventures with my sisters 

watching my older sister finish a 5k

watching my love finish a turkey trot

buying Christmas presents for my loved ones

finding new blogs to read and people who still write

finding my sense of style

modeling for a local boutique 

adding to my disney fairies book collection

spending precious time with our pets

crushing things I believed I couldn't do

accomplishing two semesters of school 

learning to stand up for myself more

learning to lean on Jesus and to trust Him more deeply than I ever thought I would be able to

recognizing myself and the value in me instead of trying to mirror others

improving my discernment 

working on my spiritual health

improving my physical health by working out and eating better

learning how to draw boundaries

laughing so hard I cry with my love and my sisters

letting go of ideals that weren't based on Jesus's word

spending special time with my sisters individually 

eating foods from my childhood/teen years again

allowing myself to dream anything and everything again

feeling accepted and heard and understood by my love

seeing the growth in my sisters

swimming in the summertime

visiting the Christmas village in the wintertime

dreaming about and planning for my life with my love

all of the ways I was provided for by my loved ones and by God

- from Nie

a dream within a dream

 

    to write about this feels strange. not because I desire to hide it, but because it is so precious to me. because I am so deeply excited and truly grateful that I am speechless. I am getting married soon. over my Christmas break from classes, my love and I will be married. we will have a simple, family and family friend filled winter wedding, and it will be the best day of my life. I can say that, though I haven't lived it yet, because I know that no matter what happens- if there is a blizzard outside, if we forget the cake, if I trip because I can't walk in heels very well and I fall on my face in a poof of silks, if the music doesn't work and we all dance in silence - that God is blessing this day for my love and I and that we will feel his blessing and his love and we will feel our love and we will feel excitement for our future together. 

    with such a short amount of time until our wedding day, I have been spending all of my free time planning. it is really quite fun. I used milanote to create a mood board and save some links and ideas for the day. I envision simple decor of fairy lights, candles, some pine garland and greenery and accents of deep deep midnight sky blue. I may share photos, but I may not. we will see. I've never shown my face on my blog before and for some reason I like it that way. 

    my days are filled with collecting songs, coming up with ideas for the most minimal elegant decor, researching venues, and most of all holding back the mass of butterflies that are dancing in my stomach. I love it. 

-from Nie

of midterms, homes, and recipes

 listen

"september came in with golden days and silver nights" - J. R. R. Tolkien, The Return of The King

summer is saying goodbye to us now. closing its petals, twisting them up around the warmth, the fireflies, the citrus sunsets, and the salty air. the nights are getting colder where I live, and the bugs are racing into my house through cracks and crannies, making camp for the crisp fall and winter. I wish I could make camp and hide from the world for a bit. spin a web and rest, rest, rest. but, alas, life goes on, and I must go on with it.

I made it through midterms. making the decision to return to college was very difficult. I prayed and waited for a while until I felt that God wanted me to start school again. it's easy to commit to something at the beginning. it's hard to keep fighting for it. I feel my steam running out as we reach the end of week five. I find myself thinking, 'can I really do this over and over and over again?'. but, I have to remind myself of one very important truth. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. I have to remember to continue to look to Him and not my own capabilities. I am weak but He is strong. He can take my dreams and give them wings. but I have to give them away to Him first. so, that is what I am trying to do on this late summer night. 

my sisters and I watched Sense and Sensibility (2008) last night. it is my favorite Jane Austen story. after watching it, I browsed realty sites in Ireland and England to see how much a romantic little cottage like Barton Cottage is. just in case my love and I decide it's time for an adventure in another country. they were quite expensive. but so, so charming. there really is nothing like a home. a home is worth more than gold. I have been daydreaming about my future home. how I will arrange the furniture, what foods I will make in our kitchen, where it will be, how the sun will fall into the windows and across bookshelves. in fact, I have an exact home in my mind that I have seen as my future home for almost 9 years now. I know every room and floorboard. it's so vivid. my secret hope is that when my love and I finally start looking for a house, we will walk into one that looks exactly like that little house in my mind and I'll know that's where we're supposed to be.  

me drinking tea in my imaginary future home

I discovered Half Baked Harvest recently. I can't stop scrolling through her site, her recipes look so delicious and have unique flavor combinations. I bought her cook book 'super simple' and already have so many different recipes I want to make. these sliders for when I go to my love's parent's house to watch football, chai cinnamon rolls for that one day a year I crave something sweet, this delicious cheese & croissant bake for a chilly Sunday morning, and this lemon broccoli salad because broccoli is one of my favorite foods.

though I am anxious for the changing seasons, and the second 8 weeks of the fall semester, I know my God is with me. and every day that I can, I will choose to believe that my future is blooming, blazing, bright because it is made by Him. so, with that in mind, I can't wait for tomorrow.

- from Nie

the last samurai

 

the last samurai is an outstanding film. it has been one of my favorites since I first saw it as a preteen. my sister and I used to watch it daily. there was something so deep and meaningful weaved throughout a story that could've been reduced to a film of impressive moves and epic battles. there was something so heavy that I could feel in my chest as I watched the story progress and the heaviness did not release until the end of the film. the journey Captain Algren goes on was very impactful to me. the whole film is laced with themes of deep regret. of being unable to let go or to forgive. Algren's character stands out to me for his ability to never give up. he never backs down. never gives in. and as the film progresses he learns the value of belief so deep you'd die for it.

there is also a beautiful illustration of the value of a simple, disciplined life. no fancy clothes, multiple cars, flashy jewels, giant houses, businesses, roads, or restaurants.  just family, duty, honor, community, stability, safety, and values. the older I get the more I realize that this is the way we were supposed to live. God intended for us to be rich in the spirit. to enjoy his earth. to know the meaning of family. of community. this world is starving for it. Algren's entire perspective on life and loss, on love and happiness is altered once he sets foot in Katsumoto's village. and there is a sense that he could have never dreamed that his life could be that way. but from the samurai and the people who live there, he learns that he can have that small measure of peace too. 

this film is shot so beautifully. one element I noticed was how much effort they put into the settings. from the dense fog and the blue light of the moon that illuminates the samurai's armor in the first battle between Katsumoto's men and Algren's, to the bright beauty of the day they have the final bloody battle. there is a lot of contrast and the background is not left out but used as another tool to tell the story. how beautiful it was that every one of the rebels were willing to die for what they believed in, how hopeful they were, how moving it was fits the weather and the sun, and makes the darkness of their situation, their certain end, and the brutality of the battle cut deeper.

the film was so vivid. something I've noticed about films from the late nineties and early 2000s is that they didn't try to be aesthetic as much as they tried to be realistic and rich in depth. this film used colors, textures, and tones that felt like they could have really existed. there was nothing unbelievable about the sets or the props, but that they were unbelievably beautiful. 

this film has a powerful script and one of the most beautiful and haunting soundtracks in film. there are several impactful lines that make you hold your breath as you ponder them. however, my favorite element of the script is the fact that it embraces pauses and silence so frequently. this is not done merely because over half of the characters are not supposed to be English speaking. this is done because silence is impactful. silence, space, and implication are key to the best storytelling. the soundtrack supports the story instead of clashing against it or stealing the show. it flows in and out of each scene creating a heart-string-pulling effect.

whatever it takes to make a truly good story, an unforgettable film, and an vivid illustration of themes of regret, bravery, and belief, the last samurai has it in abundance.

- from Nie

I whisper in my secret language

listen

do you know this feeling? when you're doing everything right. but everything right somehow feels wrong?

like making a bed, or sealing an envelope, or signing a check is hiding something sinister. a bond. the bill of sale for my life. as if changing my tires, and making meals for work, and ironing a shirt were the bold, black letters of my name, agreeing to relinquish my freedom.  

it's silly. I know. after all, it's just a feeling.

a feeling. a sensation. that whispers to me in the moments between the close of my eyes and the onset of sleep. a whisper that I hear in the quiet moments of the day. the inexplicably still moments, where not even a bird chirps. I hear it then. 

and I shake my head. I furrow my brow. say, "let me be". after all does God not say hard work is glory? does God not say to be humble? 

and then there are the musts. I must eat, I must pay expenses, I must keep a car, keep a house, keep a pet, keep a plant. I must have clothes to wear, and lotions and shoes. I must. and if I must, then I must work. work, work, work. if I am not a worker. what can I be? I can't be anything but a sore backed, crooked, silent worker in this world. I am not allowed to be anything else. 

am I?

i am not a wanderer. or a solitary. supposed to dig into some underground place and simply create.

am I?

I don't think I am.

I didn't think I was. 

until I woke up in the middle of the night to write poetry.

until I stood in the bright square the mid day sun cast on my floor and I played my violin until there was no more sun. 

until I sat here, typing. clicking the keys to help relieve some of the pent up pain. 

I rush here to whisper in my secret language. so quiet. anonymous. it's safe. because no one hears. that way I can still tie my apron round my waist.

I didn't think I was anything else.

I don't think I am anything else. 

am I?

- from Nie

a wish for summer

    

listen

hello, blog. I haven't written to you in quite some time. days have been moving by so swiftly this year. like God placed his thumb on the pages of my book and flipped through enough to stir a breeze. I think this is a good thing, though. I don't want to miss out on days of my life, but I remember feeling like I was living life in fast-motion as a child. and I was happy as a child. so that must mean something good. 

summer is here. it is here and it is warm, and bright, and it has brought wild summer rains. yesterday there was a booming thunderstorm that caused the power at my love's house to go out for a moment. we were watching a movie, and had candles lit all throughout his house. perhaps it's strange but I love it when the power goes out. in a moment, there is stillness, and dim, and it feels as if I have permission to just be. it came back on fairly quickly and I popped a bag of pop corn before we got back to our film. but I enjoyed it.

I am on summer break from college. and I am so absolutely glad I did take a break. stress weighs on me heavily. I try to manage it, with baths, and books, and God. but it remains one of my greatest foes. so, I am enjoying my free time and my peace of mind in these days. I know the fall semester will come sooner than I think. but my wish for summer is that I will be rejuvenated by these wild days, and will step into autumn stronger, and bolder than before.

my summer favorites

1. drawing in my sketchbook. I've doodled mermaids, vidia the fast flying fairy, and made a list of ten magical things I want to do. 

2. princesses. I have rewatched tangled, cinderella (2015), beauty and the beast (2017), and mirror mirror several times this summer. I want to ride a wild steed, torn glittering gown, on my way to reach my dreams.  I want to dance under starlight, glass slippers ringing, and tie my hair into braids and buns that fall like water. 

3. whipped cream on coffee. lattes at home with whipped almond cream have become my morning ritual.

4. sleepy lotion. this has been my favorite scent and product from lush since 2010. it's like being swathed in lavender petals in a milk and honey bath sprinkled with brown sugar.

5. sun bathing. my sister and I laid out on our deck in swimsuits, letting the sun soak into our skin. I felt instantly happier and more at peace. we didn't play any music, just listened to the grass weave in and out of itself as the warm breeze ran through. 

- from Nie

p.s. I have been posting on my tumblr when I don't have the creativity to write long text posts. here it is if you'd like to visit. 

christmas came and went

 

christmas came and went, and now we have ventured into the new year. I love the new year. no matter how the previous year unfolded, I cannot help but feel excitement, a flutter of butterflies in my stomach, at the thought of an entirely new year. never before lived. I ask myself, where will God take me? for take me, He will. 

so far, in 2024 I ...

made a peach cobbler with coconut vanilla bean ice cream. it wasn't as flavorful as I had hoped it would be. perhaps I should wait until summer when peaches are actually in season to make it again. 

began cooking more meals at home. a spinach, mint & cacao smoothie has been my favorite breakfast. 

started a devotion with my love. we went to a little coffee shop we like that is filled with mismatched comfy chairs and has a fireplace. I got a caramel latte and he got a snickers latte. we sat and talked over our devotion. it was nice. 

began reading harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban. my love and I are reading the whole series alongside each other. these stories are some of my favorites. the amount of wisdom that is hidden in the pages of the potter books is beautiful. 

am learning how to properly style my hair and do my makeup. curls are my new favorite thing! I didn't know my hair could look so princessly. 

improved the blog. you may have noticed a new page has popped up. 'the lavender chapters' is where I will post my casual, scribble-filled, blog tag and whatever I feel like saying posts. here on the main page, I will continue to try to define what is in my soul. we'll see if I make it there in 2024. 

-from Nie

running with the wolves

listen

have you ever felt like there was a beast inside of you? not a harmful one. but wild. untamed. it is powerful but gentle. 

I can feel that beast, rising in me. in times of sorrow, or deep nights when all I can hear is the whisper of my own hidden thoughts. 

what is it made of?

mine is made up of forgotten dreams, and hushed pains. secret feelings I have balled up and tossed into the abyss of my soul. 

I'm scared of the beast inside of me. I trust it less than I trust the face in the mirror. I'm scared of the beast, not because she will hurt me. not because she will change me. I am scared of the beast because 

she is me. 

she is raw me. and she could set me free. if I let her.

the face in the mirror does not like her. she does not like anything she cannot control. she only lets the beast out on a tight leash. when she needs its power. 

what makes a beast? is it pain or pleasure. isolation or society. concealment or exposure. 

a beast consumes and gives nothing. a beast hunts the weak and broken. a beast lies. cheats. steals. bargains. and a beast never dreams. 

so

the beast is not the wild things inside of me. the passion, the unruly hope, the vivid dreams. 

the beast is the face in the mirror. and if one day, the leash snaps, she will finally meet 

herself

-from Nie

the h u n t

people often say

they are haunted by life

I am too

but she is not in the shadows that follow me

she doesn't whisper in my ear 

the sins of my past

the possibilities of my future

such people are  h u n t e d  by life

I  h u n t  life

the very figure of life 

she is wild

like a mare 

she is flashing ahead of me

like bolts of lightning 

she is everywhere I am not

she is tossing her mane on the horizon

I can see her

but I will never make it to her in time

it is the experience of life that I  h u n t

in all the wrong places 

I  h u n t

in buildings, in streetlights, in the eyes of people

what would it be like

to ride on her back

yes, I  h u n t  her daily

I don't want to die

before I've had one ride

-from Nie

a wish for winter

 

listen

today is the first truly cold day where I live. I dug my scarf and gloves out of the closet, but I won't be using them today. I am sick and have lost my voice. It is hard to slow down, and to really rest, but it is also nice. nice to just sit and think in the safety and warmth of my home. 

my thoughts today are on winter. winter, to me, is powerful and intimidating. it is difficult to love. with flurries and icicles, bright rays of sun, bitter air. every year, I try to embrace what is beautiful about it. try to taste a little bite in the hopes that in a few years, I might like the flavor of wintertime.

lately, all I want to do is spend time with my family and my love. it doesn't matter what we do. it could simply be reading in the same room. I just want to be in their presence. I wish the world would slow down, release its grip on me, so that I could better enjoy the small moments of my life. but it feels as though everything is whirling around me and it is all controlled by others. my job makes me sick and too tired to do much of anything. that doesn't seem right. 

so, if I had one wish for this winter, it would be that I might find more time to sit with those I love. and more time to do the things I love. and that I could enjoy this year's winter just a little bit more than the last (if I really try).

my early winter favorites

1. jelly + butter toast with sourdough bread. best snack ever.

2. this oversized plaid pullover lined with faux fleece. it is much warmer than my coat and is oversized because my little sister who owned it before is much taller than me.

3. puzzles. my love and I are working on a puzzle right now. it is very relaxing and actually quite difficult. 

4. ren: the girl with the mark + kin fables trilogy. 

5. fresh linen scents. after I wash my clothes I just want to wrap them all around me and breathe the scents in. 

- from Nie

hello, again

 listen 

I left this blog over a year ago. when I did, I also left many other things. writing stories, playing music, dancing, dreaming. in the empty space that formed in the nest of who I am when I stopped creating, I sat. 

I don't think I have ever known until now, how much of a creator I am. I would always tuck my creativity away. fold it up neatly, creased corners, and stick it in a drawer or hide it behind my bookshelf. somewhere I could find it again, but where no one else could see it. 

why 

because in many ways being a creator is to experience pain. 

not glamorous, all encompassing, flashy pain. not visible pain that can be pitied or understood. 

no

it if painful to feel so deeply. it is painful to step back, look at what you created, and see something distorted. to see something that failed to interpret the language of the soul to the human eye. painful to be barred from creating. when the world gets in the way, it hurts. when your jobs, and your people, and your bank, and your need to eat get in the way, it is not just painful. it's angering. 

at least, it is for me. 

I am often angry. and because I do not know how to live the way I need to live, I tuck that need away. I attempt to snuff it out. drown it. choke it. hide it. destroy it. 

but because this part of me, like all of me, is from God, I never succeed.

so, I made my way back here. to this place where my creative language flows. hello, again. 

part of me wishes I'd never said goodbye. but I have surely been on a journey in this past year. not just creatively, but spiritually. in the absence of my creative spirit I focused on God more than I ever have. and He showed me how to depend on Him and He is still showing me who I am. 

He helped me to understand that the world does not define me. and that if I feel lost, it's because 

I'm meant for 

another world. 

- from Nie