springtime season favorites

"wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight, at the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more, when he bares his teeth, winter meets its death, and when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.” - The Chronicles of Narnia 

first, a very late and very warm welcome to nicole the latest member of the fellowship & whose profile picture I mistook for a gnome. thank you for reading nicole! 

at long long long long very long last, it's beginning to resemble spring where I live. sunny rainstorms, warm breezes, and lots of birdsong. it is so wonderful to feel the sun on my skin again. not that the sun ceases to exist in winter, it's just I do. already I have gathered a list of favorites for this new season and I'd like to share them. what are your springtime favorites?

period piece everything

so far my sister and I have re-watched Emma (2009), Pride & Prejudice (2005), and The Count of Monte Cristo. Watched for the first time, My Mother and Other Strangers (side note: that was for sure the mildest yet spiciest love affair I've ever witnessed), and Around the World in 80 Days which I adored. I cannot get enough of adventure stories. I really must read more Jules Verne. Oh, and then there's Sanditon. but I completely and utterly  h a t e d  Sanditon. we watched maybe six episodes in a row trying to like it but I just couldn't 

I didn't care about that corrupt dreary sea town where people DRINK the water naked men swim in. charlotte had all of the tact of a 12 year old girl. that old lady with the money was nearly as annoying as Lady Catherine DeBourgh, and there was a shocking lack of warmth, romance, humor, and satin (ha). Jane Austen? nope. Andrew Davies trying to be Dickens? yeah. I could go on and on about it. perhaps someday I will but for now all I'll say is ummmm incest? 

matcha & udon soup

not at the same time. I like my matcha in the morning and my noodles at night. and my udon was not as fancy as all that. it was microwaved. but it was heavenly. I fell ill recently, which is a big deal for me as I almost never get actually truly sick. I had a fever, a sore throat, and a headache. it was terrifying. all I wanted to eat was udon miso soup. and the newfound matcha love comes from giving up drugs coffee and trying to find healthier alternatives. I used to drink apple cinnamon tea or simple green tea but matcha is much more decadent and I really enjoy it. it also has antioxidants and less caffeine. 

budgeting

this is my budget calendar, washi tape, and stickers. I am working on more budgeting posts at the moment but it is a slow process and I find everything abnormally hard to explain. budgeting has brought me peace of mind I didn't think I could have and also a huge amount of confidence. 

yoga journal & ayurveda

my grandmother used to get yoga journal for me. I would try to follow the advanced poses without prior experience or stretching and injure myself. it was a lot of fun. I bought this one for the article on chakras, however. I want to learn everything there is to know about chakras, and ayurveda, and how the mind and the body and the spirit are intertwined. 

pop up butterfly stickers

not much to say about these except they make my laptop look positively mAGiCaL. 

star stable

this game is just too fun. its reminds me of old video games I would play like Ocarina of Time or Twilight Princess.

trigger protection mantra

by Jhene Aiko. she uses crystal bowls and the lyrics are a mantra for calm and safety. it is stunning & I have been listening to it non stop. 

microsoft to do

I've been struggling to be an organized person with something that maybe sort of resembles a routine for years. it's against my nature to be so structured and to do this at this time and that after another thing etc. but I saw that my laptop comes with microsoft's to do list and digital calendar and thought, why not try digitally organizing my life? it. is. wonderful. I don't have to worry about rewriting a list each day, or not being able to check the next task because I do not have my planner with me. I don't have to fuss about how hideous my handwriting is or with setting timers for each item because I am incredibly forgetful. I never thought I would prefer electronic planning to the old fashioned way but I have been converted. 

wearing no makeup 

I am not against makeup. I wear it. but there is nothing like the feeling of being entirely makeup free. I feel so powerful and wild and so utterly me. plus I can rub my face and scratch my skin and cry or laugh or sweat and it doesn't matter. 

wearing whatever I want

for anyone interested, I dress a little something like this. minus the cigarette. pretend it's a french fry. so I've felt some pressure over the years to try and recreate my style, or brand it to something easily defined, or simply dress like other girls. lately though, I miss my own style and the unique way I express myself. I'm still working on expressing it fully and fearlessly but it has made some progress and if one day I wear my beau's old button down with a turtleneck under it and these jeans that don't fit me and another day I pull my fuzzy socks over my pant legs and have a nice blouse on, oh well. c'est moi. 

what's in my bag videos

like this one. I want a bag but when I try to shop for one I hate them all. does this happen to anyone else? I think I'm having an identity crisis. either way I like to watch what others pack in their bags for inspiration on what to bring in my work bag. when I finally buy one.  

- from Nie

through rain clouds and music notes

do you see yourself on   m o t h e r   earth 

walking 

              working

                              talking?

I don’t. I only see myself in 

shadows, smile lines, through rain clouds and music notes

without help 

I don’t 

exist

on the nature of s e n s i t i v i t y

l i s t e n

there is a  c u r s e  that is put upon a few of us. at least that is what I call it. its sullen name is
s e n s i t i v i t y
and it is chronic. perhaps even terminal. 
I spend most of my days trying to be rid of it. escape. but not this day. this day I embrace. and I ponder. what if I am not a creature.

your needs are their second thoughts. a deep conversation you desperately need to feel  c o n n e c t e d  is just another insignificant moment of communication to them. because they don't think like you do. 

how sick I am of telling myself that.

t h e y   d o n ' t   t h i n k   l i k e   y o u   d o. 

you are called passive aggressive, over dramatic, too emotional when you  o p e n  u p.  but when you so perfectly care for and translate and cradle your loved one's emotions you are called wonderful, loving, an otherworldly listener.
                       
                        s o,
it is only good when it is not yours. 

your sensitivities are not valued yet art that people praise and marvel at is born from those same uncared for sensitivities. 
                       
                         s o,
it is only loved when it is not a burden.

finding someone who lets you work through the steps of your emotions without judging you or pressuring you is rare and more often than not anyone who understands is someone like you

which leads me to wonder

how difficult is it to extend the courtesy of understanding beyond themselves to you?
because

I feel like that is all I do.

I often understand what someone is feeling before they do, yet even with an explanation of why I am feeling what I feel I am still told that
                                                                                    it
                                                                                           is
                                                                                                gnorw | wrong

which prompts me to ask them

does it really matter if I am not supposed to feel what I am feeling? if it is not supposed to rain it does not change the fact that it is still  p o u r i n g  down. 

but I do not ask. I never do. 

because what is the use?   i f  t h e y   c a n n o t   s e e   t h e   r a i n   a t   a l l   &  t h e r e   a r e   f e w   w h o   w i l l   t a k e   y o u r   w o r d   f o r   i t

shame. pain. self denial. loneliness. self silencing. overthinking. fear of reactions.

in translation   a  c a g e. 

is the home, the everyday place of a  s e n s i t i v e. 

and the trapped words, the stagnant emotions, the secret feelings turn your insides to rot. 

so that they can like you. so that they will accept you. so that they will not tell you to stop feeling. 

s e n s i t i v e s  cannot stop feeling. anymore than we could will our hearts to stop beating. our lungs to cease their swelling. so why do they keep asking. keep expecting. keep wishing we would   w i l t. 

what if I am not a creature. 

what if

I am  

just as I 

should be.

two thousand twenty two

"It is a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to." 

a new year has begun. a new journey. a new b r e a t h. 

I am happy to let 2021, a year of hard lessons, loss, and tears, go. for once, I am not clinging to the past, but looking to the future. 

I feel like a traveler, peering over distant hills to the horizon where the waves of some vast ocean look to be on fire by the sparking of the sun dancing off of them. I have one question, one goal, one thought. what will I see? what will I find if I 

keep 

        moving 

                     forward?

only time will tell. but something in me thinks I may just find myself, waiting on the white shores, with fire in her breast and strength in her bones. 

what can you see on your horizon?