what now?

 read + searching for purpose + first. 

Hi. In my last check in post I talked about where I am now after being thrown about in some waves of life. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, listening, and dreaming. I haven’t figured everything out but I do have a very loose one year plan forming. 

I started with my intentions by asking myself, who am I and what do I want from my life? 

Those questions aren’t very easy to answer. And I went a very long time ignoring them. Just following others or following whatever path promised stability. But I want to take as long as I need to to figure out the answers. So, this coming year will be a year of listening to God, of reflection, and of achieving balance. 

I have very solid essentials I need to figure out, like where I’m going to live (lol what can you do) & getting a new job (see below). But I also want to work on my relationship with God, understand myself better, improve my mindset, and take care of myself physically. 

Steps I’m taking to achieve these goals are...

+go back to church

+eat clean & cook at home 

+stress manage with MaGicAL baths (seriously I love baths) & consistent yoga

+complete Bethany Hamilton’s unstoppable course for finding your purpose & maybe more of her courses

I’ve learned a lot this past year and I understand now that I want a life that isn’t typically lived. But that’s okay. I get to grow and laugh and cry and work towards something amazing with God’s guidance. Instead of following others’ footsteps with my head hung low, I want to run on the mountain sides and explore the unknown. I hereby dub my journey to a beautiful life, “the unknown” because I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing : ) (UPDATE: I took the page down for a bit. I may redesign/reaffirm my plans later on)

I made a page to outline my year long plan & there I will update every time I accomplish a goal or move on to a new section → the unknown (doesn't exist anymore haha). 

Speaking of which, I start a new job this Friday. So, I can check that off of my list which I am very happy about and extremely thankful for. It isn’t anything special or extraordinary, I’ll just be making coffee for people. But it is what I need to challenge myself and to start my journey. I have several goals I want to achieve for this job in particular, but I’m saving those for a separate post about mindset. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to shop for cardboard boxes to live in. I hear the cost is reasonable and they’re quite warm. 

sea glass + playlist +

 

I’ve been listening to these songs because they inspire me and make me feel hopeful. They’re great spring/summer melodies as well. 

+ an innocent warrior - moana soundtrack 

+ saturn - sleeping at last

+ crystals - of monsters and men 

+ bethany’s wave - marco beltrami 

+ avatar the last air bender lofi - cozy

+ reflection (2020) - christina aguilera 

searching for purpose

 Listen

 As of right now I am jobless, my landlord is selling the rental house I live in, I dropped out of “school”, and it has been about a month and three weeks since the death of my father. I used to write on this blog all the time, thinking of all the things I was going to do. Then I stopped writing. And I stopped dreaming too. I quickly lost my way. Became concerned only with being secure. Having enough money. Having a job that looked responsible. And I shoved everything I’ve ever wanted down, down, down into the corner of my heart. .

I gave everything I had to a certification program that I didn’t care about at all. While I was there, I felt so incredibly sad even when I did well and I always always felt out of place, not just socially but spiritually. As if God was telling me that this wasn’t what he intended for me. That experience really wore me down. Financially, I am 10,000 dollars in debt for a certificate I will never receive. I lost my job because of how demanding the program schedule was (26 hours a week + 2 hour drive a day + homework which I literally never did 🕺🏻). My only car is probably going to explode next time I get into it from all the stress that was put on it. Not to mention going without a couple meals a week for six months straight because I couldn’t work enough to pay for my bills, my gas, and my groceries. It was hellish. And amidst all of that I asked myself, why? Why are you here? What here is worth these circumstances to you? And my answers were money and so people think I’m successful and not much. So, after a lot of debating, calling my mom, and talking to God, I quit. 

I quit. Growing up, I never quit anything. If I did I’d thoroughly chastise myself and swear on my life I’d never fail again (or something else excessively dramatic along those lines). I had an obsession with appearing perfect which has apparently followed me into my 20s. But this time, I quit. And I loved the feeling. I felt quite literally like a bird that had escaped its cage of six months. I could’ve screamed with joy. 

Some people will see my quitting as a failure. My mind tells me this sometimes too. But those who believe in a life of passion and of God’s purpose will see my quitting as the beginning. That’s what my soul tells me every morning when I wake up now. I feel a little like I used to, as a kid. Remember waking up and being excited for the day? It’s a simple but amazing feeling. While I was in that program, I would wake up and ask God to strike me down with lightening so I wouldn’t have to heave myself out of bed and live another day. Now, I still have worries but my first feeling is freedom. And it reminds me that I have made the right choice.

Now, I’m Here. Here, kinda feels like a little island in the middle the sea. I could dive into the water and swim in any direction. Anything could happen. I could stay Here for a while and look for a sign, like a shooting star. I’m not really sure yet. There isn’t a map for this sort of thing. God only gives His wisdom, and He gives you talents and passions and desires. So I think I should first, learn to listen. 

Within only a few weeks of listening, I’ve learned something. Life on its own is not pure. If you want happiness and peace, then you must fight for those things. A life left to chance and circumstance is a dark and terrible one. But a life lead with purpose and intention is a wonderful one. It’s like a sailboat. If you send it out to sea, but do not take the sails into your hands and steer, will you end up on the shores of paradise? No. You’ll end up lost, or torn apart, or drowned. But if you stand strong and pull the sails and guide your boat with intention, there is nothing stopping you from reaching that place.

 “If you look for the light, you can often find it. But if you look for the dark, that is all you’ll ever see.” 

I’ve been learning that my circumstances don’t control me, I control my circumstances. Yes, they challenge me. Very much (very very very very very very very very much).  But God reminds me, that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength + Philippians 4:13 +

So, I might be Here for a while. But at least I’m not There, living the life of a girl I don’t recognize. Who knows what will come from the future and all the unknown? 

metamorphosis

 

"To ensure good health: eat lightly, breathe deeply, live moderately, cultivate cheerfulness, and maintain an interest in life.”
-William Londen

 I used to care about my health a lot. I found a lot of joy in healthy eating. Not fancy, stylish healthy eating. I'm not really a foodie. I prefer to eat quick simple stuff and I hate fussing over food. 

But eating healthy for the sake of fueling your body is something I really miss. There seem to be two types of people, those that care about eating healthful foods and those that don't care at all about what they put in their bodies. But I think there's a third type. Those that care about what they eat but never put in the time or energy to reach that goal of better living. Also known as lazy people. That's me. (remember my last post about this same topic? me either. Because it was two years ago and I did nothing to change my eating.)

(avocado rice things from tropically lina)

I've been finding inspiration for wholesome veggie-centric meals on pinterest, Bethany Hamilton's website, and food shows like raw. vegan. not gross. 

This is a grocery list sample I found from Brittany Dawn. It's given me a lot of ideas for my own. I might add some vegan mayonnaise in there but that's just me. 

(see those eggs? ugh, me too.)

Because I despise cooking so much, I think I'm more of a meal prepper. Cooking a lot two days of the week and not having to cook at all the rest of them sounds really nice to me. I think one of my biggest issues with healthy eating is not being disciplined enough. Thinking, "oh, I don't really want to cook. I'll just buy something instead". The amount of money I've wasted would k i l l  me if I saw it. I would die of shock. Collapse from a financially induced seizure. Caring about what you eat saves money as well as your life wow. 

I'm excited to be interested in healthy eating again after so much time (I just have to mention that I'm writing this post minutes after eating an entire pizza and half a bag of pickle chips (: ). With all the recent changes in my life, it seems only fitting to reestablish that what I eat is important to me. So, let's chop up some vegetables.