in awe of it all

listen

tonight, I'm in awe of it all. of all that God has done in my little life. 

have you ever gotten a glimpse of it? that moment where the human limitations of your mind recede, and the glory of God at work shows all around you like the ghosts of neon streaks against black skies? for a moment, you understand why you went through valleys so deep and dark you believed you would never know the warmth of light on your skin again. for a moment, you are face to face with yourself. and you see how she needed to grow into you. 

God sends these whispered moments to me. like a lighthouse on the ocean, its glow lasts only for a second, but it stirs in me an unbridled hope. a passion and joy bursts in my chest. as if I can feel Jesus reaching into my heart, and relighting the candle of perseverance in me. he keeps it burning. if ever it goes out, I'm shepherded back with an electrifying call from Him. with something akin to magic or dreams or prophecy. I don't know what it is but the communication of my soul and Jesus. a message sent to me that needs no words and knows no bounds. when suddenly I have a sixth sense. a spiritual sense of all that is happening around us that we cannot see. all the ways God lifts me up on his shoulders. I feel how deeply He believes in me. how deeply He loves me. I know that I am limitless with Him. 

and then - it's gone. like a warm embrace that leaves a shadow of pressure on my skin, it's gone, but the rejuvenation it brought to my soul remains. like water dousing hungry petals, my soul is fortified. I wish every spirit on earth could feel the wild, limitless joy He gives to me. 

I wish I listened to it more, and held it closer to my heart. this year, I will not forget God's might. I will not fear what may come. I will remember that I am limitless with Jesus. I am loved beyond all comprehension. I am valued more than precious jewels. I am purer than crystal oceans. I am stronger than mountain stones. and tonight, I am in awe of it all .

- from Nie

farewell two-thousand twenty-four

 listen

farewell to the year of growing pains. of recognizing my face again. of small adventures and big mistakes. of "never-before-done"s and "I will never do that again"s. of spiritual firsts, and worldly lasts. nighttime conversations with Jesus, and daytime surrender of control. of graduations, engagements, and last goodbyes. farewell to the gift that was two-thousand twenty-four. 

so many years I let slip between my fingers. streams of precious silvery water I let seep into the soil. this year was not perfect, nor did I always make myself proud. but this year, this year, I lived more than I have in the last four combined. this year, I remembered who the author of my life is. I remembered that through Him all things are possible. this year, He reminded me that I am strong. I am capable. I am loved. 

what a gift it is to have lived another year! I may be older. and in many ways it is hard to continue moving forward when there are so many things I wish had gone differently. so many things I wish I could change. but I can either run from the past or learn from it. I refuse to let past sorrows dim the light of my future. I believe with my whole soul that Jesus takes the worst of us all and he weaves it into something pure and beautiful and hopeful. Jesus remakes my mistakes into triumphs. he takes the wrongdoings and sorrows I have experienced and uses them to teach me how to be the best version of myself.

 I don't know what my future holds, but I know that I have the God of the universe on my side. that I need not worry about anything. that I can trust Him with my whole life and soul. and that I will be overflowing with joy as long as I let him have my everything. so, though where the road will take me I cannot tell, I will lose no sleep over it. I will smile in the face of uncertainty and see it for what it is with God - adventure. 

the best things about this year...

my engagement to my love

my little sister's graduation

small adventures with my sisters 

watching my older sister finish a 5k

watching my love finish a turkey trot

buying Christmas presents for my loved ones

finding new blogs to read and people who still write

finding my sense of style

modeling for a local boutique 

adding to my disney fairies book collection

spending precious time with our pets

crushing things I believed I couldn't do

accomplishing two semesters of school 

learning to stand up for myself more

learning to lean on Jesus and to trust Him more deeply than I ever thought I would be able to

recognizing myself and the value in me instead of trying to mirror others

improving my discernment 

working on my spiritual health

improving my physical health by working out and eating better

learning how to draw boundaries

laughing so hard I cry with my love and my sisters

letting go of ideals that weren't based on Jesus's word

spending special time with my sisters individually 

eating foods from my childhood/teen years again

allowing myself to dream anything and everything again

feeling accepted and heard and understood by my love

seeing the growth in my sisters

swimming in the summertime

visiting the Christmas village in the wintertime

dreaming about and planning for my life with my love

all of the ways I was provided for by my loved ones and by God

- from Nie

a dream within a dream

 

    to write about this feels strange. not because I desire to hide it, but because it is so precious to me. because I am so deeply excited and truly grateful that I am speechless. I am getting married soon. over my Christmas break from classes, my love and I will be married. we will have a simple, family and family friend filled winter wedding, and it will be the best day of my life. I can say that, though I haven't lived it yet, because I know that no matter what happens- if there is a blizzard outside, if we forget the cake, if I trip because I can't walk in heels very well and I fall on my face in a poof of silks, if the music doesn't work and we all dance in silence - that God is blessing this day for my love and I and that we will feel his blessing and his love and we will feel our love and we will feel excitement for our future together. 

    with such a short amount of time until our wedding day, I have been spending all of my free time planning. it is really quite fun. I used milanote to create a mood board and save some links and ideas for the day. I envision simple decor of fairy lights, candles, some pine garland and greenery and accents of deep deep midnight sky blue. I may share photos, but I may not. we will see. I've never shown my face on my blog before and for some reason I like it that way. 

    my days are filled with collecting songs, coming up with ideas for the most minimal elegant decor, researching venues, and most of all holding back the mass of butterflies that are dancing in my stomach. I love it. 

-from Nie

I whisper in my secret language

listen

do you know this feeling? when you're doing everything right. but everything right somehow feels wrong?

like making a bed, or sealing an envelope, or signing a check is hiding something sinister. a bond. the bill of sale for my life. as if changing my tires, and making meals for work, and ironing a shirt were the bold, black letters of my name, agreeing to relinquish my freedom.  

it's silly. I know. after all, it's just a feeling.

a feeling. a sensation. that whispers to me in the moments between the close of my eyes and the onset of sleep. a whisper that I hear in the quiet moments of the day. the inexplicably still moments, where not even a bird chirps. I hear it then. 

and I shake my head. I furrow my brow. say, "let me be". after all does God not say hard work is glory? does God not say to be humble? 

and then there are the musts. I must eat, I must pay expenses, I must keep a car, keep a house, keep a pet, keep a plant. I must have clothes to wear, and lotions and shoes. I must. and if I must, then I must work. work, work, work. if I am not a worker. what can I be? I can't be anything but a sore backed, crooked, silent worker in this world. I am not allowed to be anything else. 

am I?

i am not a wanderer. or a solitary. supposed to dig into some underground place and simply create.

am I?

I don't think I am.

I didn't think I was. 

until I woke up in the middle of the night to write poetry.

until I stood in the bright square the mid day sun cast on my floor and I played my violin until there was no more sun. 

until I sat here, typing. clicking the keys to help relieve some of the pent up pain. 

I rush here to whisper in my secret language. so quiet. anonymous. it's safe. because no one hears. that way I can still tie my apron round my waist.

I didn't think I was anything else.

I don't think I am anything else. 

am I?

- from Nie

hello, again

 listen 

I left this blog over a year ago. when I did, I also left many other things. writing stories, playing music, dancing, dreaming. in the empty space that formed in the nest of who I am when I stopped creating, I sat. 

I don't think I have ever known until now, how much of a creator I am. I would always tuck my creativity away. fold it up neatly, creased corners, and stick it in a drawer or hide it behind my bookshelf. somewhere I could find it again, but where no one else could see it. 

why 

because in many ways being a creator is to experience pain. 

not glamorous, all encompassing, flashy pain. not visible pain that can be pitied or understood. 

no

it if painful to feel so deeply. it is painful to step back, look at what you created, and see something distorted. to see something that failed to interpret the language of the soul to the human eye. painful to be barred from creating. when the world gets in the way, it hurts. when your jobs, and your people, and your bank, and your need to eat get in the way, it is not just painful. it's angering. 

at least, it is for me. 

I am often angry. and because I do not know how to live the way I need to live, I tuck that need away. I attempt to snuff it out. drown it. choke it. hide it. destroy it. 

but because this part of me, like all of me, is from God, I never succeed.

so, I made my way back here. to this place where my creative language flows. hello, again. 

part of me wishes I'd never said goodbye. but I have surely been on a journey in this past year. not just creatively, but spiritually. in the absence of my creative spirit I focused on God more than I ever have. and He showed me how to depend on Him and He is still showing me who I am. 

He helped me to understand that the world does not define me. and that if I feel lost, it's because 

I'm meant for 

another world. 

- from Nie

I've been gone

 hello there, reader. I feel as though I need to introduce myself formally it has been so very long since I last posted. I'm Nie. I've been changing a lot. I did this last year too. took a very long hiatus and returned with fervor only to fizzle out again. like a flame that was too hungry, too quick to show how bright it could burn and in doing so ate up all the oxygen and poof. 

truth be told, I have been avoiding my blog for some months now. not because I dislike it. in fact I like it very much. it is very dear to me. not because I am bored of blogging or the blogging community. I hope bloggers continue to write and keep this part of the internet alive. I love to settle in with some tea or coffee and read through my blogroll. 

no, I have been avoiding my blog because I have been avoiding facing the truth of what has been going on inside of me. 

from Nie has seen many versions of me. and I don't believe in streamlining myself to make a product of my blog. in cornering myself into this perfect little package of catchy writing for the internet to marvel at. 

but this blog has been with me through my wildest ups and downs. throughout my lefts and rights. 2020 and 2021 were the most challenging years I've ever lived through. the tale of that time period is a dark and long one. it is one that upsets me even to think about. and it is when I was coming out of that dark time, just arriving back from that terrible journey, that I started blogging on here more. it was something that helped nurture me back to health, lead me closer to who I am after I had forgotten myself. that is a wonderful thing but it also means that this blog reminds me of my darkest days. 

does that mean I should move on? begin another blog that is free from those heavy clouds? I'm not sure. starting something new doesn't always solve things. 

have I truly outgrown from Nie? or do I just want to believe that I can forget pain and that I can be fully separate from that version of me who was in so much of it? 

I don't know, reader. I just don't know. so, until I do, hello there. I may be writing a goodbye soon. but it will not end there. it will only lead to another platform. one that does not feel as though it is mocking my every word or testing my claims of progress. or, perhaps I will simply accept that this blog has many layers of me in it. and embrace the changes and the metamorphosis it has gone through. we shall see. but for now, I missed this. and that is one thing I am sure of. 

-from Nie

on the nature of s e n s i t i v i t y

l i s t e n

there is a  c u r s e  that is put upon a few of us. at least that is what I call it. its sullen name is
s e n s i t i v i t y
and it is chronic. perhaps even terminal. 
I spend most of my days trying to be rid of it. escape. but not this day. this day I embrace. and I ponder. what if I am not a creature.

your needs are their second thoughts. a deep conversation you desperately need to feel  c o n n e c t e d  is just another insignificant moment of communication to them. because they don't think like you do. 

how sick I am of telling myself that.

t h e y   d o n ' t   t h i n k   l i k e   y o u   d o. 

you are called passive aggressive, over dramatic, too emotional when you  o p e n  u p.  but when you so perfectly care for and translate and cradle your loved one's emotions you are called wonderful, loving, an otherworldly listener.
                       
                        s o,
it is only good when it is not yours. 

your sensitivities are not valued yet art that people praise and marvel at is born from those same uncared for sensitivities. 
                       
                         s o,
it is only loved when it is not a burden.

finding someone who lets you work through the steps of your emotions without judging you or pressuring you is rare and more often than not anyone who understands is someone like you

which leads me to wonder

how difficult is it to extend the courtesy of understanding beyond themselves to you?
because

I feel like that is all I do.

I often understand what someone is feeling before they do, yet even with an explanation of why I am feeling what I feel I am still told that
                                                                                    it
                                                                                           is
                                                                                                gnorw | wrong

which prompts me to ask them

does it really matter if I am not supposed to feel what I am feeling? if it is not supposed to rain it does not change the fact that it is still  p o u r i n g  down. 

but I do not ask. I never do. 

because what is the use?   i f  t h e y   c a n n o t   s e e   t h e   r a i n   a t   a l l   &  t h e r e   a r e   f e w   w h o   w i l l   t a k e   y o u r   w o r d   f o r   i t

shame. pain. self denial. loneliness. self silencing. overthinking. fear of reactions.

in translation   a  c a g e. 

is the home, the everyday place of a  s e n s i t i v e. 

and the trapped words, the stagnant emotions, the secret feelings turn your insides to rot. 

so that they can like you. so that they will accept you. so that they will not tell you to stop feeling. 

s e n s i t i v e s  cannot stop feeling. anymore than we could will our hearts to stop beating. our lungs to cease their swelling. so why do they keep asking. keep expecting. keep wishing we would   w i l t. 

what if I am not a creature. 

what if

I am  

just as I 

should be.

two thousand twenty two

"It is a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to." 

a new year has begun. a new journey. a new b r e a t h. 

I am happy to let 2021, a year of hard lessons, loss, and tears, go. for once, I am not clinging to the past, but looking to the future. 

I feel like a traveler, peering over distant hills to the horizon where the waves of some vast ocean look to be on fire by the sparking of the sun dancing off of them. I have one question, one goal, one thought. what will I see? what will I find if I 

keep 

        moving 

                     forward?

only time will tell. but something in me thinks I may just find myself, waiting on the white shores, with fire in her breast and strength in her bones. 

what can you see on your horizon?

what now?

 read + searching for purpose + first. 

Hi. In my last check in post I talked about where I am now after being thrown about in some waves of life. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, listening, and dreaming. I haven’t figured everything out but I do have a very loose one year plan forming. 

I started with my intentions by asking myself, who am I and what do I want from my life? 

Those questions aren’t very easy to answer. And I went a very long time ignoring them. Just following others or following whatever path promised stability. But I want to take as long as I need to to figure out the answers. So, this coming year will be a year of listening to God, of reflection, and of achieving balance. 

I have very solid essentials I need to figure out, like where I’m going to live (lol what can you do) & getting a new job (see below). But I also want to work on my relationship with God, understand myself better, improve my mindset, and take care of myself physically. 

Steps I’m taking to achieve these goals are...

+go back to church

+eat clean & cook at home 

+stress manage with MaGicAL baths (seriously I love baths) & consistent yoga

+complete Bethany Hamilton’s unstoppable course for finding your purpose & maybe more of her courses

I’ve learned a lot this past year and I understand now that I want a life that isn’t typically lived. But that’s okay. I get to grow and laugh and cry and work towards something amazing with God’s guidance. Instead of following others’ footsteps with my head hung low, I want to run on the mountain sides and explore the unknown. I hereby dub my journey to a beautiful life, “the unknown” because I have absolutely no clue what I’m doing : ) (UPDATE: I took the page down for a bit. I may redesign/reaffirm my plans later on)

I made a page to outline my year long plan & there I will update every time I accomplish a goal or move on to a new section → the unknown (doesn't exist anymore haha). 

Speaking of which, I start a new job this Friday. So, I can check that off of my list which I am very happy about and extremely thankful for. It isn’t anything special or extraordinary, I’ll just be making coffee for people. But it is what I need to challenge myself and to start my journey. I have several goals I want to achieve for this job in particular, but I’m saving those for a separate post about mindset. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me I need to shop for cardboard boxes to live in. I hear the cost is reasonable and they’re quite warm. 

searching for purpose

 Listen

 As of right now I am jobless, my landlord is selling the rental house I live in, I dropped out of “school”, and it has been about a month and three weeks since the death of my father. I used to write on this blog all the time, thinking of all the things I was going to do. Then I stopped writing. And I stopped dreaming too. I quickly lost my way. Became concerned only with being secure. Having enough money. Having a job that looked responsible. And I shoved everything I’ve ever wanted down, down, down into the corner of my heart. .

I gave everything I had to a certification program that I didn’t care about at all. While I was there, I felt so incredibly sad even when I did well and I always always felt out of place, not just socially but spiritually. As if God was telling me that this wasn’t what he intended for me. That experience really wore me down. Financially, I am 10,000 dollars in debt for a certificate I will never receive. I lost my job because of how demanding the program schedule was (26 hours a week + 2 hour drive a day + homework which I literally never did 🕺🏻). My only car is probably going to explode next time I get into it from all the stress that was put on it. Not to mention going without a couple meals a week for six months straight because I couldn’t work enough to pay for my bills, my gas, and my groceries. It was hellish. And amidst all of that I asked myself, why? Why are you here? What here is worth these circumstances to you? And my answers were money and so people think I’m successful and not much. So, after a lot of debating, calling my mom, and talking to God, I quit. 

I quit. Growing up, I never quit anything. If I did I’d thoroughly chastise myself and swear on my life I’d never fail again (or something else excessively dramatic along those lines). I had an obsession with appearing perfect which has apparently followed me into my 20s. But this time, I quit. And I loved the feeling. I felt quite literally like a bird that had escaped its cage of six months. I could’ve screamed with joy. 

Some people will see my quitting as a failure. My mind tells me this sometimes too. But those who believe in a life of passion and of God’s purpose will see my quitting as the beginning. That’s what my soul tells me every morning when I wake up now. I feel a little like I used to, as a kid. Remember waking up and being excited for the day? It’s a simple but amazing feeling. While I was in that program, I would wake up and ask God to strike me down with lightening so I wouldn’t have to heave myself out of bed and live another day. Now, I still have worries but my first feeling is freedom. And it reminds me that I have made the right choice.

Now, I’m Here. Here, kinda feels like a little island in the middle the sea. I could dive into the water and swim in any direction. Anything could happen. I could stay Here for a while and look for a sign, like a shooting star. I’m not really sure yet. There isn’t a map for this sort of thing. God only gives His wisdom, and He gives you talents and passions and desires. So I think I should first, learn to listen. 

Within only a few weeks of listening, I’ve learned something. Life on its own is not pure. If you want happiness and peace, then you must fight for those things. A life left to chance and circumstance is a dark and terrible one. But a life lead with purpose and intention is a wonderful one. It’s like a sailboat. If you send it out to sea, but do not take the sails into your hands and steer, will you end up on the shores of paradise? No. You’ll end up lost, or torn apart, or drowned. But if you stand strong and pull the sails and guide your boat with intention, there is nothing stopping you from reaching that place.

 “If you look for the light, you can often find it. But if you look for the dark, that is all you’ll ever see.” 

I’ve been learning that my circumstances don’t control me, I control my circumstances. Yes, they challenge me. Very much (very very very very very very very very much).  But God reminds me, that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength + Philippians 4:13 +

So, I might be Here for a while. But at least I’m not There, living the life of a girl I don’t recognize. Who knows what will come from the future and all the unknown? 

two thousand nineteen

 

Farewell to the most challenging year of my life. (As far as daily life goes. I have had much more emotionally challenging years. But this year presented many challenges outside of myself).

It went by at break-neck speed, yet at the same time seemed to inch its way forward second by second. What a strange year it has been. Full of frustration, confusion, and determination. Every other moment I was overcome with the instinctual desire to run away. To flee from the challenges being presented to me and wander the woods where I could find a nice patch of clovers to rest my head. How I resisted I do not know. I can only attribute it to God, and to that small part of me, that is strong and resilient. It's VERY small. But it's there.

In the year two thousand nineteen, I...

• Moved out with my sister into our own place. At the same time, my family moved a great distance across the country and left my sister and me to be truly alone independent?

when my mother announced her departure just as I began college.

• Began a new job and continued to work it despite having to go to the bathroom and scream and rage daily. I worked this job five days a week unless I had one of those sweet blessed schedules where they gave me an extra day off. 

when I can't take people or their grocery items anymore and just murder everyone in the surrounding area.

• Completed my first semester of college. I did not enjoy this. I have come to the conclusion that I don't like school very much. It agitates me, and depresses me, and takes up all of my time and focus and sucks my soul out of my skull. I attended classes two days a week having two classes on a single day one of those days while completing online modules and reading textbooks and doing online discussion boards where you had to comment on someone else's every ding dang week and nobody made any logical sense and I had to write papers, so, so many papers and stayed up late into the night to write them and felt crazy. (make sense? it didn't to me either). 

me waiting for my final class to end.

• Paid my own bills. 
• Wrote my own checks. 
• Made my own phone calls. (When I wasn't avoiding them like the bubonic plague, finding ANY other project to complete other than phone calls). 

me when I realize I have to call a person.

• Worked out consistently for the first time. I stopped, but that's not important. 

• Auditioned for a project for the first time. I am still currently working on the tape and I feel... I don't really know how I feel. My emotions get blocked up inside me because they start to flow, but then I panic and they freeze over like a waterfall in winter that keeps building up until it has eroded my ability to feel at all. So, I'll stick to facts instead of emotions, that's always comforting. I have taped a few of the scenes but I feel think I could do better. 

My accomplishment checklist consists of things I found very hard, that other people don't find hard at all. Such is the torment of my life. I cannot express how difficult I found it to work five days a week, go to school the other two, complete all of my homework, and still remain alive. I enjoy being busy, it is not the busy schedule that wears me down. It is the bitter monotony of this life. This pointless job I only go to for money, and this community college I attend that doesn't pertain to my major at all grind at my bones and twist my heart and make me want to scream. I desire so much more than living paycheck to paycheck and spending nine hours in a grocery store. My mind rebels at stagnation, and I am very poor at taking it. 

I also lost my sister, not to death, but to distance. That has been the most challenging thing of all. All of her life, we were together. Every day we saw each other. And now, she's miles away. But I am working hard so that we can be together again.

Nevertheless, I have tried to remain thankful along the journey this year. Again, and again, the Lord provided for my sister and me. Timelines aligned perfectly, somehow we would have money just in time to fix a car, or pay a bill. For that, I am forever grateful. And for our home, our food, our car, our health, all of it.

At the beginning of 2019, I was in a figurative ditch. Now, it's safe to say I am halfway to the top of the ditch. I can see the light, see the puffy white clouds overhead, the pure white stars winking at me. I have begun to feel a bit of the wind on my face. But I still have a ways to go.

M. 

remembering October

Where did October go?
it ran away
with the leaves
laughing at the early night
and calling frost to take its place
so it could chase the sun



I saw my siblings in October
I finished my first eight weeks of college in October
My sister and I placed two pumpkins on our porch to celebrate the season in October
I began working out for the first time in October
I remembered when I first got my cat Pumpkin from the local apple farm in October

Most of all, I noticed the swiftness of the season, and after one blink against the apple crisp air, it was gone.

M.

singing ice

  Winter has begun. Autumn never stays long where I live. Though it has only snowed once so far and yesterday it was warm enough to rain, there is that sharp scent in the air. An almost metallic cool that hardens the wind and clears the night sky. It means winter is waking up, and stretching her frigid body over the earth before curling tightly her frosted fingers around each branch and windowpane and coating the very veins of the earth with rebirth.

  It has been one year since I started this blog. When I wrote that first post, I craved nothing more than rebirth. And still, I crave it. Like the river, hardening, freezing in upon itself before breaking, releasing and melting to a crystalline surface, I hunger for metamorphosis.

M.

sail away

Listen to Benedictus

Watching this was a lot like what I imagine meditation to be. I have to imagine it because I can never calm my mind down enough to truly meditate. I am always thinking frantically and worrying. My mind won't stop whispering and my brows are stuck in a furrow. But this was transcendent. You cannot tell where the sea ends and the sky begins. It feels as if you are sailing through nebulas. God's world is the epitome of beauty. Its simplicity is splendor, its quiet is mighty, and its chaos is order.

M.

fly

Dream

/drēm/

noun 

2. a cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal

 Everyone has dreams. To be this, to be that. To achieve this, achieve that. I have some of those too. But they pale to nothing in comparison with my lifelong dream. A real d r e a m. To fly. 

 My sister showed me this video today. I am not a bit ashamed to say that I cried watching them float in the celestial sky, away from people's thoughts and impressions and control. I suggest you mute the video and play this melody as you watch. 

the melody

M.

Welcoming March

 March is a beautiful month. Not only are the blossoms beginning to blink their eyes against the sun, but the birds are speaking to one another, passing rumors that spring is coming on the wind. And green returns. I love green. Almost as much as I love blue. There is also St. Patrick's day. Irish culture is something I love to learn about.
But, most importantly, Lent began on March 6th.



I used to participate in Lent every year. I looked forward to it, in fact. Anything that is meant to better me as a person and help me to shed habits and realize what is truly important, is fascinating and almost addictive to me.
This year will be the first time I have participated in Lent in a long time. I am excited and a little ashamed that I missed so many opportunities to participate before.

My choice for Lent is to stop wasting money. For the entirety of this holiday, I shall only purchase what I need. Need. Not want. It is going to be difficult. I have very bad spending habits, I'm ashamed to say. But I am, nevertheless, very excited. I want to be a better person. I want to be the absolute best version of myself.

That means no more junk food runs to the store. No more renting endless movies. No more buying shirts I will never wear on an impulse. And it means standing in the kitchen for longer than it takes to microwave vegan macaroni and making better choices for my budget and my health.

It has been one day, and I already feel better. I prayed more intentionally last night. And though I only have twenty dollars in my account, I know that I won't waste a penny of it.

M.