sleep milk, scribbling prayers, and life lately

hello, old friend.

almost an entire year has passed without word from me. I am still here. the road goes ever on and on. you won't get any profound words from me in this post. no recollections of the past year, or soliloquies of hopes for the future (except to remark on the fact that I am now married. such a dream to say it). it is 11:46 pm at the moment and I'm too restless. lately I have been struggling to fall asleep and to stay asleep. tonight is more of the same, so instead of laying in the dark willing myself to suddenly be comfortable and at peace, I got up and went to my office to journal while listening to some instrumental worship music (a link to a couple of my favorites below).

I started journaling again this year. I used to keep a daily journal as a teen and it helped me navigate through my fears, thoughts, and feelings so much. somewhere along the line I started to feel "watched" as I wrote. worried that my handwriting was imperfect, or tried too hard to make the writing special. so, I stopped. this year, out of desperation to calm my ever-talking mind, I pulled my rose gold notebook I used for a few devotions down off the shelf and started scribbling away. it relieved so much anxiety in me. one of my favorite parts of journaling is writing out a prayer. I did this when I was just 12 years old and it helped me communicate what my soul was trying to say to Jesus, helped me focus on asking God for help, or truly thanking Him. it has been wonderful to journal again, and tonight I wrote a powerful prayer.

after scribbling for a bit and gently swatting my cat Pumpkin away (she would sit on my face 24/7 if it were possible), I found I still wasn’t tired. I remembered something else younger me used to do (where did all this self care wisdom go?). when I couldn't sleep, I would make a mug of sleep milk and listen to The Chronicles of Narnia audiobook. sleep milk is my own creation (I say that like no one has ever thought to mix these things together. haha.) and is simply a mug of warm milk with one teaspoon of honey, cinnamon, and nutmeg in it. I would sip on it as I sat up in a chair or on top my covers listening to the story of the Pevensies. then, when that feeling of sleep began to return to my eyes, I would lower the volume and lay down. usually, I would fall asleep. 

eager to soothe myself to sleep tonight, I made some sleep milk and logged on here to write. I am not sleepy yet, but I am only halfway through my mug. so there's still hope. 

I don't have the energy to recount the year, but I do have the energy to tell you what I've been loving/doing lately. lately, I've been listening to inspiring music like The Last Goodbye from Billy Boyd and The Middle of Starting Over from Sabrina Carpenter (different vibes, I know). I've been researching holistic health and creating a compendium of home remedies to use for myself and my loved ones. I've been picking sections of my house to deep clean with my homemade essential oil cleaners (getting crazy, I know. very exciting). I've been reading more. currently reading a book called Breaking Time by Sasha Alsberg (goodreads link below). I've been eating healthier. I've been preparing for fall. I made mini apple pies earlier this week and yesterday I made mini quiches. I put out some autumn decor and pulled all my sweaters to the front of my closet. I've been working on being wholly authentic and trusting God. the latter I believe I will be working on until I meet Him in person....

and most exciting of all, I've been working on a very special project with my sister. currently secret, very magical and happy and special. more on that at the end of this year. 

I'm nearly finished with my mug of sleep milk. feeling drowsy but not sleepy. 

some thoughts that popped into my head as I was writing:

will this be the year I actually participate in nanowrimo? not sure, because it seems to have died out. 

if I bought a long autumnal skirt would I wear it or would I just like to think I would?

should I reheat this last bit of milk? nah. 

I'm so excited to watch The Lord of The Rings my bones hurt. 

I wonder what tomorrow will be like. oh look, it is tomorrow. it's 12:11 am.

I crave chicken noodle soup so bad.

I have finished my sleep milk. I think, if I lay down with a book, I might doze off soon. 

until next time reader, 

from Nie

yeshua | link

holy forever | link

goodreads | link

in awe of it all

listen

tonight, I'm in awe of it all. of all that God has done in my little life. 

have you ever gotten a glimpse of it? that moment where the human limitations of your mind recede, and the glory of God at work shows all around you like the ghosts of neon streaks against black skies? for a moment, you understand why you went through valleys so deep and dark you believed you would never know the warmth of light on your skin again. for a moment, you are face to face with yourself. and you see how she needed to grow into you. 

God sends these whispered moments to me. like a lighthouse on the ocean, its glow lasts only for a second, but it stirs in me an unbridled hope. a passion and joy bursts in my chest. as if I can feel Jesus reaching into my heart, and relighting the candle of perseverance in me. he keeps it burning. if ever it goes out, I'm shepherded back with an electrifying call from Him. with something akin to magic or dreams or prophecy. I don't know what it is but the communication of my soul and Jesus. a message sent to me that needs no words and knows no bounds. when suddenly I have a sixth sense. a spiritual sense of all that is happening around us that we cannot see. all the ways God lifts me up on his shoulders. I feel how deeply He believes in me. how deeply He loves me. I know that I am limitless with Him. 

and then - it's gone. like a warm embrace that leaves a shadow of pressure on my skin, it's gone, but the rejuvenation it brought to my soul remains. like water dousing hungry petals, my soul is fortified. I wish every spirit on earth could feel the wild, limitless joy He gives to me. 

I wish I listened to it more, and held it closer to my heart. this year, I will not forget God's might. I will not fear what may come. I will remember that I am limitless with Jesus. I am loved beyond all comprehension. I am valued more than precious jewels. I am purer than crystal oceans. I am stronger than mountain stones. and tonight, I am in awe of it all .

- from Nie

i feed it the ugly little things

at first;

i don't think they understand

the gravity when i say to them

'i can't manage 

one good day'

when i say to them over coffee

'i'm spinning so fast i can't

see'

at first;

i don't think they understand

the weight of the words 

that fall from my mouth after 

they ask

'and how are you?'

but then;

the words i use are tart

nasty dark things to say

'not so good' 

or even 'i don't know'

isn't welcome in bookshops

on the way into the classroom

or even in the churches

the gravity

the weight

the words stir something up 

inside of them

burn their tongues

set their minds ablaze

they dash the spark out of me

afraid it will catch

but i keep it going

feed it 

with truth and the ugly little things

because 

i'm more afraid of the dark

i guess this is how it feels

to be told 

'i really don't understand'

- from Nie

farewell two-thousand twenty-four

 listen

farewell to the year of growing pains. of recognizing my face again. of small adventures and big mistakes. of "never-before-done"s and "I will never do that again"s. of spiritual firsts, and worldly lasts. nighttime conversations with Jesus, and daytime surrender of control. of graduations, engagements, and last goodbyes. farewell to the gift that was two-thousand twenty-four. 

so many years I let slip between my fingers. streams of precious silvery water I let seep into the soil. this year was not perfect, nor did I always make myself proud. but this year, this year, I lived more than I have in the last four combined. this year, I remembered who the author of my life is. I remembered that through Him all things are possible. this year, He reminded me that I am strong. I am capable. I am loved. 

what a gift it is to have lived another year! I may be older. and in many ways it is hard to continue moving forward when there are so many things I wish had gone differently. so many things I wish I could change. but I can either run from the past or learn from it. I refuse to let past sorrows dim the light of my future. I believe with my whole soul that Jesus takes the worst of us all and he weaves it into something pure and beautiful and hopeful. Jesus remakes my mistakes into triumphs. he takes the wrongdoings and sorrows I have experienced and uses them to teach me how to be the best version of myself.

 I don't know what my future holds, but I know that I have the God of the universe on my side. that I need not worry about anything. that I can trust Him with my whole life and soul. and that I will be overflowing with joy as long as I let him have my everything. so, though where the road will take me I cannot tell, I will lose no sleep over it. I will smile in the face of uncertainty and see it for what it is with God - adventure. 

the best things about this year...

my engagement to my love

my little sister's graduation

small adventures with my sisters 

watching my older sister finish a 5k

watching my love finish a turkey trot

buying Christmas presents for my loved ones

finding new blogs to read and people who still write

finding my sense of style

modeling for a local boutique 

adding to my disney fairies book collection

spending precious time with our pets

crushing things I believed I couldn't do

accomplishing two semesters of school 

learning to stand up for myself more

learning to lean on Jesus and to trust Him more deeply than I ever thought I would be able to

recognizing myself and the value in me instead of trying to mirror others

improving my discernment 

working on my spiritual health

improving my physical health by working out and eating better

learning how to draw boundaries

laughing so hard I cry with my love and my sisters

letting go of ideals that weren't based on Jesus's word

spending special time with my sisters individually 

eating foods from my childhood/teen years again

allowing myself to dream anything and everything again

feeling accepted and heard and understood by my love

seeing the growth in my sisters

swimming in the summertime

visiting the Christmas village in the wintertime

dreaming about and planning for my life with my love

all of the ways I was provided for by my loved ones and by God

- from Nie