I whisper in my secret language

listen

do you know this feeling? when you're doing everything right. but everything right somehow feels wrong?

like making a bed, or sealing an envelope, or signing a check is hiding something sinister. a bond. the bill of sale for my life. as if changing my tires, and making meals for work, and ironing a shirt were the bold, black letters of my name, agreeing to relinquish my freedom.  

it's silly. I know. after all, it's just a feeling.

a feeling. a sensation. that whispers to me in the moments between the close of my eyes and the onset of sleep. a whisper that I hear in the quiet moments of the day. the inexplicably still moments, where not even a bird chirps. I hear it then. 

and I shake my head. I furrow my brow. say, "let me be". after all does God not say hard work is glory? does God not say to be humble? 

and then there are the musts. I must eat, I must pay expenses, I must keep a car, keep a house, keep a pet, keep a plant. I must have clothes to wear, and lotions and shoes. I must. and if I must, then I must work. work, work, work. if I am not a worker. what can I be? I can't be anything but a sore backed, crooked, silent worker in this world. I am not allowed to be anything else. 

am I?

i am not a wanderer. or a solitary. supposed to dig into some underground place and simply create.

am I?

I don't think I am.

I didn't think I was. 

until I woke up in the middle of the night to write poetry.

until I stood in the bright square the mid day sun cast on my floor and I played my violin until there was no more sun. 

until I sat here, typing. clicking the keys to help relieve some of the pent up pain. 

I rush here to whisper in my secret language. so quiet. anonymous. it's safe. because no one hears. that way I can still tie my apron round my waist.

I didn't think I was anything else.

I don't think I am anything else. 

am I?

- from Nie

a wish for summer

    

listen

hello, blog. I haven't written to you in quite some time. days have been moving by so swiftly this year. like God placed his thumb on the pages of my book and flipped through enough to stir a breeze. I think this is a good thing, though. I don't want to miss out on days of my life, but I remember feeling like I was living life in fast-motion as a child. and I was happy as a child. so that must mean something good. 

summer is here. it is here and it is warm, and bright, and it has brought wild summer rains. yesterday there was a booming thunderstorm that caused the power at my love's house to go out for a moment. we were watching a movie, and had candles lit all throughout his house. perhaps it's strange but I love it when the power goes out. in a moment, there is stillness, and dim, and it feels as if I have permission to just be. it came back on fairly quickly and I popped a bag of pop corn before we got back to our film. but I enjoyed it.

I am on summer break from college. and I am so absolutely glad I did take a break. stress weighs on me heavily. I try to manage it, with baths, and books, and God. but it remains one of my greatest foes. so, I am enjoying my free time and my peace of mind in these days. I know the fall semester will come sooner than I think. but my wish for summer is that I will be rejuvenated by these wild days, and will step into autumn stronger, and bolder than before.

my summer favorites

1. drawing in my sketchbook. I've doodled mermaids, vidia the fast flying fairy, and made a list of ten magical things I want to do. 

2. princesses. I have rewatched tangled, cinderella (2015), beauty and the beast (2017), and mirror mirror several times this summer. I want to ride a wild steed, torn glittering gown, on my way to reach my dreams.  I want to dance under starlight, glass slippers ringing, and tie my hair into braids and buns that fall like water. 

3. whipped cream on coffee. lattes at home with whipped almond cream have become my morning ritual.

4. sleepy lotion. this has been my favorite scent and product from lush since 2010. it's like being swathed in lavender petals in a milk and honey bath sprinkled with brown sugar.

5. sun bathing. my sister and I laid out on our deck in swimsuits, letting the sun soak into our skin. I felt instantly happier and more at peace. we didn't play any music, just listened to the grass weave in and out of itself as the warm breeze ran through. 

- from Nie

p.s. I have been posting on my tumblr when I don't have the creativity to write long text posts. here it is if you'd like to visit.