christmas came and went

 

christmas came and went, and now we have ventured into the new year. I love the new year. no matter how the previous year unfolded, I cannot help but feel excitement, a flutter of butterflies in my stomach, at the thought of an entirely new year. never before lived. I ask myself, where will God take me? for take me, He will. 

so far, in 2024 I ...

made a peach cobbler with coconut vanilla bean ice cream. it wasn't as flavorful as I had hoped it would be. perhaps I should wait until summer when peaches are actually in season to make it again. 

began cooking more meals at home. a spinach, mint & cacao smoothie has been my favorite breakfast. 

started a devotion with my love. we went to a little coffee shop we like that is filled with mismatched comfy chairs and has a fireplace. I got a caramel latte and he got a snickers latte. we sat and talked over our devotion. it was nice. 

began reading harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban. my love and I are reading the whole series alongside each other. these stories are some of my favorites. the amount of wisdom that is hidden in the pages of the potter books is beautiful. 

am learning how to properly style my hair and do my makeup. curls are my new favorite thing! I didn't know my hair could look so princessly. 

improved the blog. you may have noticed a new page has popped up. 'the lavender chapters' is where I will post my casual, scribble-filled, blog tag and whatever I feel like saying posts. here on the main page, I will continue to try to define what is in my soul. we'll see if I make it there in 2024. 

-from Nie

running with the wolves

listen

have you ever felt like there was a beast inside of you? not a harmful one. but wild. untamed. it is powerful but gentle. 

I can feel that beast, rising in me. in times of sorrow, or deep nights when all I can hear is the whisper of my own hidden thoughts. 

what is it made of?

mine is made up of forgotten dreams, and hushed pains. secret feelings I have balled up and tossed into the abyss of my soul. 

I'm scared of the beast inside of me. I trust it less than I trust the face in the mirror. I'm scared of the beast, not because she will hurt me. not because she will change me. I am scared of the beast because 

she is me. 

she is raw me. and she could set me free. if I let her.

the face in the mirror does not like her. she does not like anything she cannot control. she only lets the beast out on a tight leash. when she needs its power. 

what makes a beast? is it pain or pleasure. isolation or society. concealment or exposure. 

a beast consumes and gives nothing. a beast hunts the weak and broken. a beast lies. cheats. steals. bargains. and a beast never dreams. 

so

the beast is not the wild things inside of me. the passion, the unruly hope, the vivid dreams. 

the beast is the face in the mirror. and if one day, the leash snaps, she will finally meet 

herself

-from Nie

the h u n t

people often say

they are haunted by life

I am too

but she is not in the shadows that follow me

she doesn't whisper in my ear 

the sins of my past

the possibilities of my future

such people are  h u n t e d  by life

I  h u n t  life

the very figure of life 

she is wild

like a mare 

she is flashing ahead of me

like bolts of lightning 

she is everywhere I am not

she is tossing her mane on the horizon

I can see her

but I will never make it to her in time

it is the experience of life that I  h u n t

in all the wrong places 

I  h u n t

in buildings, in streetlights, in the eyes of people

what would it be like

to ride on her back

yes, I  h u n t  her daily

I don't want to die

before I've had one ride

-from Nie

a wish for winter

 

listen

today is the first truly cold day where I live. I dug my scarf and gloves out of the closet, but I won't be using them today. I am sick and have lost my voice. It is hard to slow down, and to really rest, but it is also nice. nice to just sit and think in the safety and warmth of my home. 

my thoughts today are on winter. winter, to me, is powerful and intimidating. it is difficult to love. with flurries and icicles, bright rays of sun, bitter air. every year, I try to embrace what is beautiful about it. try to taste a little bite in the hopes that in a few years, I might like the flavor of wintertime.

lately, all I want to do is spend time with my family and my love. it doesn't matter what we do. it could simply be reading in the same room. I just want to be in their presence. I wish the world would slow down, release its grip on me, so that I could better enjoy the small moments of my life. but it feels as though everything is whirling around me and it is all controlled by others. my job makes me sick and too tired to do much of anything. that doesn't seem right. 

so, if I had one wish for this winter, it would be that I might find more time to sit with those I love. and more time to do the things I love. and that I could enjoy this year's winter just a little bit more than the last (if I really try).

my early winter favorites

1. jelly + butter toast with sourdough bread. best snack ever.

2. this oversized plaid pullover lined with faux fleece. it is much warmer than my coat and is oversized because my little sister who owned it before is much taller than me.

3. puzzles. my love and I are working on a puzzle right now. it is very relaxing and actually quite difficult. 

4. ren: the girl with the mark + kin fables trilogy. 

5. fresh linen scents. after I wash my clothes I just want to wrap them all around me and breathe the scents in. 

- from Nie