are you limiting yourself?
if you asked me this question a year ago, or even a month ago, I would say "not at all". and I would proceed to prove this to you by listing all of the ways I was challenging myself and all of the impressive projects I was working on. but what I wouldn't have told you about was the empty feeling I had. because I didn't tell myself about it until very recently.
I have lived through days and days with a dark and nagging feeling in my stomach, in my head, and in my heart. I try to distract myself with little projects, grand plans, and complicated thoughts. but the nagging never goes away. it is something I am scared of, but I don't know why. I'm scared to find out what it is. I'm scared to admit that I feel it. but today, God lead me to learn its name.
it is my potential.
and I starve it regularly.
who taught me to do that? I think I taught myself. because I thought it was safer. because I saw others do the same. I saw the sun rise and fall, and rise and fall, and rise and fall, and nothing grow or change in the hearts and eyes of the people around me. I saw them throw away their hours like dust from their boots. they chose to sit and age in cynicism. as a dreamer, this was so frightening to me. I didn't know how to exist in this world they were creating around me.
as I grew, I began to cling to the idea of a large and important career. because I hungered to live out that potential that I hid away, but I was too afraid and too well trained to explore it. instead, I would jump from idea to idea, searching for the grandest option to look like I was living it up, so to speak. to replace what I believed I had starved to death. what I believed probably didn't even exist inside of me anymore.
I would grasp at anything that was difficult or impressive. I committed myself to being a violinist, an author, a dancer, a naturopath, an historian, a professor, a linguist, a curator. I even tried to tie it to my faith, praying for a purpose and coming up with concepts that would help me help others. because I have always felt so empty inside. I thought surely all of this drive and passion that courses through my veins has a purpose. God promises that he has a purpose for me.
so, why can't I find it?
recently, I let go of yet another grand scheme for my life. and this time, when I let go, it felt different. it felt like I wasn't just letting go of an idea, but a cage. a cage that encased my whole heart. and I began to think.
could it be that this obsession with success, this insatiable need to impress others, to prove I wasn't like the glassy eyed dream crushers I grew up around, was actually the source of my hunger and not the solution?
after trying everything, I began to wonder. what if I just let go? what if I stopped searching for and desperately trying to create a purpose?
what if I accepted the fact that I inherited a purpose, from Jesus? a purpose that does not have to be earned or worked for or created by me. it doesn't have to be applauded by my family or awarded by strangers. it needs no degree. it asks for no titles. it is my right to life. my right to really, really live.
what if, instead of crafting and scheming and forcing, I focused on listening to my heart. on becoming my own best friend. on nurturing the relationships God blessed me with. on following Him blindly and gladly. on stumbling on adventures. on diving head first into my unbridled potential.
on being truly limitless.
perhaps I'm just a crazy dreamer. but I can tell you, I feel different after this realization. I feel alive where before I felt dead. it's as though a cloak of peacefulness has rested itself on my shoulders. it has given me permission to stop fighting for the wrong things.
everyone has their struggle. the thing that they idolize. the thing that keeps them from connecting to God. the thing that Satan uses to hold them back. this has been mine. and it will continue to be mine. but as long as I keep letting go of that cage, I'll remain free. because the choice is ultimately mine.
my life looks different now. not on the outside, or to others. but my relationship with myself and the wars that would wage inside of me have changed. I want to choose where I put my energy very carefully. I do not wish to waste any more time on vain ambitions. all of a sudden, the things that really matter to me seemed to be visible through the fog that had clouded my mind for so long. I feel more in touch with my natural desires and dispositions.
I used to wonder why I couldn't tell what I wanted, even down to the simplest decisions. do I like this music? do I want to do this activity? am I okay? these questions flooded my mind constantly. I believe my obsession with success was clouding my entire God given identity from me. it is confusing for your soul to be ignored.
I don't want to try to be something I'm not. I want to focus on my health, my faith, my family. I want my everyday life to be bursting with joy and adventure. I want to be courageous and powerful. strong and resilient. all the things I never was because I was dedicating all of my worth and energy into something so unworthy as a career. imagine that. all of my worth into a job. no wonder I felt so empty.
obsessing that way kept me chasing after the future. it tricked me into staying sick, sad, and lonely even though I'm surrounded by every opportunity for health, happiness, and hope. don't let anyone tell you how to live. especially not the devil. stop limiting yourself. stop making yourself small and helpless and dependent on the approval of the world. we aren't made for that. we're made for so much more.
I am worthy because God has given me worth and love and grace. I am worthy as I am.
I am strong. I am powerful. I am healthy. with God, I am limitless. and I think I'm finally starting to believe that.
are you?
