in awe of it all

listen

tonight, I'm in awe of it all. of all that God has done in my little life. 

have you ever gotten a glimpse of it? that moment where the human limitations of your mind recede, and the glory of God at work shows all around you like the ghosts of neon streaks against black skies? for a moment, you understand why you went through valleys so deep and dark you believed you would never know the warmth of light on your skin again. for a moment, you are face to face with yourself. and you see how she needed to grow into you. 

God sends these whispered moments to me. like a lighthouse on the ocean, its glow lasts only for a second, but it stirs in me an unbridled hope. a passion and joy bursts in my chest. as if I can feel Jesus reaching into my heart, and relighting the candle of perseverance in me. he keeps it burning. if ever it goes out, I'm shepherded back with an electrifying call from Him. with something akin to magic or dreams or prophecy. I don't know what it is but the communication of my soul and Jesus. a message sent to me that needs no words and knows no bounds. when suddenly I have a sixth sense. a spiritual sense of all that is happening around us that we cannot see. all the ways God lifts me up on his shoulders. I feel how deeply He believes in me. how deeply He loves me. I know that I am limitless with Him. 

and then - it's gone. like a warm embrace that leaves a shadow of pressure on my skin, it's gone, but the rejuvenation it brought to my soul remains. like water dousing hungry petals, my soul is fortified. I wish every spirit on earth could feel the wild, limitless joy He gives to me. 

I wish I listened to it more, and held it closer to my heart. this year, I will not forget God's might. I will not fear what may come. I will remember that I am limitless with Jesus. I am loved beyond all comprehension. I am valued more than precious jewels. I am purer than crystal oceans. I am stronger than mountain stones. and tonight, I am in awe of it all .

- from Nie

i feed it the ugly little things

at first;

i don't think they understand

the gravity when i say to them

'i can't manage 

one good day'

when i say to them over coffee

'i'm spinning so fast i can't

see'

at first;

i don't think they understand

the weight of the words 

that fall from my mouth after 

they ask

'and how are you?'

but then;

the words i use are tart

nasty dark things to say

'not so good' 

or even 'i don't know'

isn't welcome in bookshops

on the way into the classroom

or even in the churches

the gravity

the weight

the words stir something up 

inside of them

burn their tongues

set their minds ablaze

they dash the spark out of me

afraid it will catch

but i keep it going

feed it 

with truth and the ugly little things

because 

i'm more afraid of the dark

i guess this is how it feels

to be told 

'i really don't understand'

- from Nie

farewell two-thousand twenty-four

 listen

farewell to the year of growing pains. of recognizing my face again. of small adventures and big mistakes. of "never-before-done"s and "I will never do that again"s. of spiritual firsts, and worldly lasts. nighttime conversations with Jesus, and daytime surrender of control. of graduations, engagements, and last goodbyes. farewell to the gift that was two-thousand twenty-four. 

so many years I let slip between my fingers. streams of precious silvery water I let seep into the soil. this year was not perfect, nor did I always make myself proud. but this year, this year, I lived more than I have in the last four combined. this year, I remembered who the author of my life is. I remembered that through Him all things are possible. this year, He reminded me that I am strong. I am capable. I am loved. 

what a gift it is to have lived another year! I may be older. and in many ways it is hard to continue moving forward when there are so many things I wish had gone differently. so many things I wish I could change. but I can either run from the past or learn from it. I refuse to let past sorrows dim the light of my future. I believe with my whole soul that Jesus takes the worst of us all and he weaves it into something pure and beautiful and hopeful. Jesus remakes my mistakes into triumphs. he takes the wrongdoings and sorrows I have experienced and uses them to teach me how to be the best version of myself.

 I don't know what my future holds, but I know that I have the God of the universe on my side. that I need not worry about anything. that I can trust Him with my whole life and soul. and that I will be overflowing with joy as long as I let him have my everything. so, though where the road will take me I cannot tell, I will lose no sleep over it. I will smile in the face of uncertainty and see it for what it is with God - adventure. 

the best things about this year...

my engagement to my love

my little sister's graduation

small adventures with my sisters 

watching my older sister finish a 5k

watching my love finish a turkey trot

buying Christmas presents for my loved ones

finding new blogs to read and people who still write

finding my sense of style

modeling for a local boutique 

adding to my disney fairies book collection

spending precious time with our pets

crushing things I believed I couldn't do

accomplishing two semesters of school 

learning to stand up for myself more

learning to lean on Jesus and to trust Him more deeply than I ever thought I would be able to

recognizing myself and the value in me instead of trying to mirror others

improving my discernment 

working on my spiritual health

improving my physical health by working out and eating better

learning how to draw boundaries

laughing so hard I cry with my love and my sisters

letting go of ideals that weren't based on Jesus's word

spending special time with my sisters individually 

eating foods from my childhood/teen years again

allowing myself to dream anything and everything again

feeling accepted and heard and understood by my love

seeing the growth in my sisters

swimming in the summertime

visiting the Christmas village in the wintertime

dreaming about and planning for my life with my love

all of the ways I was provided for by my loved ones and by God

- from Nie

a dream within a dream

 

    to write about this feels strange. not because I desire to hide it, but because it is so precious to me. because I am so deeply excited and truly grateful that I am speechless. I am getting married soon. over my Christmas break from classes, my love and I will be married. we will have a simple, family and family friend filled winter wedding, and it will be the best day of my life. I can say that, though I haven't lived it yet, because I know that no matter what happens- if there is a blizzard outside, if we forget the cake, if I trip because I can't walk in heels very well and I fall on my face in a poof of silks, if the music doesn't work and we all dance in silence - that God is blessing this day for my love and I and that we will feel his blessing and his love and we will feel our love and we will feel excitement for our future together. 

    with such a short amount of time until our wedding day, I have been spending all of my free time planning. it is really quite fun. I used milanote to create a mood board and save some links and ideas for the day. I envision simple decor of fairy lights, candles, some pine garland and greenery and accents of deep deep midnight sky blue. I may share photos, but I may not. we will see. I've never shown my face on my blog before and for some reason I like it that way. 

    my days are filled with collecting songs, coming up with ideas for the most minimal elegant decor, researching venues, and most of all holding back the mass of butterflies that are dancing in my stomach. I love it. 

-from Nie