As of right now I am jobless, my landlord is selling the rental house I live in, I dropped out of “school”, and it has been about a month and three weeks since the death of my father. I used to write on this blog all the time, thinking of all the things I was going to do. Then I stopped writing. And I stopped dreaming too. I quickly lost my way. Became concerned only with being secure. Having enough money. Having a job that looked responsible. And I shoved everything I’ve ever wanted down, down, down into the corner of my heart. .
I gave everything I had to a certification program that I didn’t care about at all. While I was there, I felt so incredibly sad even when I did well and I always always felt out of place, not just socially but spiritually. As if God was telling me that this wasn’t what he intended for me. That experience really wore me down. Financially, I am 10,000 dollars in debt for a certificate I will never receive. I lost my job because of how demanding the program schedule was (26 hours a week + 2 hour drive a day + homework which I literally never did 🕺🏻). My only car is probably going to explode next time I get into it from all the stress that was put on it. Not to mention going without a couple meals a week for six months straight because I couldn’t work enough to pay for my bills, my gas, and my groceries. It was hellish. And amidst all of that I asked myself, why? Why are you here? What here is worth these circumstances to you? And my answers were money and so people think I’m successful and not much. So, after a lot of debating, calling my mom, and talking to God, I quit.
I quit. Growing up, I never quit anything. If I did I’d thoroughly chastise myself and swear on my life I’d never fail again (or something else excessively dramatic along those lines). I had an obsession with appearing perfect which has apparently followed me into my 20s. But this time, I quit. And I loved the feeling. I felt quite literally like a bird that had escaped its cage of six months. I could’ve screamed with joy.
Some people will see my quitting as a failure. My mind tells me this sometimes too. But those who believe in a life of passion and of God’s purpose will see my quitting as the beginning. That’s what my soul tells me every morning when I wake up now. I feel a little like I used to, as a kid. Remember waking up and being excited for the day? It’s a simple but amazing feeling. While I was in that program, I would wake up and ask God to strike me down with lightening so I wouldn’t have to heave myself out of bed and live another day. Now, I still have worries but my first feeling is freedom. And it reminds me that I have made the right choice.
Now, I’m Here. Here, kinda feels like a little island in the middle the sea. I could dive into the water and swim in any direction. Anything could happen. I could stay Here for a while and look for a sign, like a shooting star. I’m not really sure yet. There isn’t a map for this sort of thing. God only gives His wisdom, and He gives you talents and passions and desires. So I think I should first, learn to listen.
Within only a few weeks of listening, I’ve learned something. Life on its own is not pure. If you want happiness and peace, then you must fight for those things. A life left to chance and circumstance is a dark and terrible one. But a life lead with purpose and intention is a wonderful one. It’s like a sailboat. If you send it out to sea, but do not take the sails into your hands and steer, will you end up on the shores of paradise? No. You’ll end up lost, or torn apart, or drowned. But if you stand strong and pull the sails and guide your boat with intention, there is nothing stopping you from reaching that place.
“If you look for the light, you can often find it. But if you look for the dark, that is all you’ll ever see.”
I’ve been learning that my circumstances don’t control me, I control my circumstances. Yes, they challenge me. Very much (very very very very very very very very much). But God reminds me, that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength + Philippians 4:13 +
So, I might be Here for a while. But at least I’m not There, living the life of a girl I don’t recognize. Who knows what will come from the future and all the unknown?
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