an update on life, writing, and my dramatic mind

spring is ending and summer is about to burst from the earth, lush and vivid and fierce. I cannot wait. I love sunshine and warmth. it's gotten to the point where I have to work hard not to get depressed every day in fall & winter. I think I was meant to live somewhere warm. that is what I told my husband. followed by, "sooo, do something about that"

life has been going by so so quickly! the year is already almost half way over. that shocks me. my birthday is coming next month, and the trip my husband and I planned to celebrate our first anniversary is coming soon too. so many happy things. 

my kitty pumpkin is sleeping on my lap as I write this. the air outside smells like fresh cut grass. it's a little chillier to day so I have a crewneck on. I also donned my pair of glasses. I like to wear them when I write though they have no prescription. it makes me feel serious and studious haha. 

some things are new since I last posted. I started writing my novel again. yes, that one. the sleepy hollow retelling I've been working on for ten years now. I am determined to finish it and am working on the zero draft now. I finally got the plot to someplace I like. there are advantages and disadvantages to taking on retellings. on one hand you have so much material thought out for you and nostalgia of a pre-loved tale to make yours seem more worth telling. but on the other hand you're restricted to certain themes and characters. in my opinion, a retelling should tell the original somewhere in its text, and should seek to improve upon it, not demolish it. otherwise just write your own story?? I hate when I read a "retelling" of a fairytale and the only similarity is that say with beauty & the beast, a girl falls in love with an unloveable guy. that's not a retelling that's a modern romance book at this point. anyways, I digress. 

I also wrote and will be submitting a short story to the first Reedsy short story contest. if you're a writer you should check it out! entries aren't due until the end of May so there's still some time. after the results come out I'll share my story here. all I'll say for now is that the prompt is 'change or transformation'. 

then I submitted some pieces to Bella Grace Magazine. I love, love, love their magazines. I haven't had a piece selected yet, but that's okay. I enjoy writing them and sending them in on the chance they will like one of them and publish it in one of the editions! I think my writing might be a bit strange compared to what they usually publish... *thinks back to the past four posts where I'm rambling about God given light and I sound just a tad nuts* *shrugs*

this blog truly feels like a place where I can be wholly me. I don't often feel like that. it is cherished. I have night sweats about blogger deleting the whole thing with no warning and all of my posts being lost forever. (you know like Polyvore did. still haven't gotten over that.)

lately I have been loving waffles with fruit, like strawberries or blueberries. greek yogurt bowls with my homemade granola. peaceful happy music like Jack Johnson. making lists. coming up with my own lotion recipes (though I haven't actually gotten to make one yet). playing pickleball. watching classic disney movies (peter pan is literally hilarious. their dad is comedy gold.) playing bananagrams with my love. and being outside as much as possible.

as I sit here, thinking of things to type up, the thing that's been weighing on my mind keeps popping up. I don't feel like writing one of my unhinged emotional posts about it. instead, I just genuinely want to write it out. the question that's been bothering me a lot.

how do you deal with change? change inside. how do you deal with that realization, that you're not the same as you once were?

it stuns me. as I reflect on how I've changed, grown, and aged, I don't know what to make of it. is it good? is it bad? is it real? most of the people around me never changed. never grew. I've never known anyone to change as much as I have. not in my personal life, I mean. 

I think it will probably feel good to say it. though, it scares me. 

I've changed. 

I have changed. I have grown. I am not the same as I used to be. 

it feels strange. almost as if I'm mourning the death of that former self. everything I've been through, whether good or bad, has shaped me. I looked at myself. in the frankest most honest way a person can. and I told myself I needed to change. I wanted to. and I did it. I was scared of it even then. scared I would fit in even less. scared of what would get left behind. 

the strange thing is, I didn't realize just how much I had changed until recently. I would deny it. but I think that is because I don't feel as though I've truly changed as much as I feel as though I became more me. who I always was, I guess? maybe I just like to think that. 

I used to struggle with authenticity so much. I don't struggle with it as much anymore. and I guess I'm wondering if that's because I've achieved my goal of changing into who I really am or is it that I morphed into something that is more like others and isn't challenged as much? 

these are the thoughts that keep me up at night. that and blogger being deleted. 

I'm realizing that I might be a very dramatic person. 

anyways, I miss blogs and I wish people still wrote them the way they used to. but I disappear for a year every other post so.... I really can't complain I guess. maybe I will start writing more? *immediately gets scared of commitment*

- from Nie

the secret

listen

 I haven't written on here at all this year. 

sometimes, this blog feels like an old friend. whose eyes are full of such knowing, that it's overwhelming to gaze into them again. 

will they see how I've changed?

will they tell me the changes were a lie? untrue? or worse - very much true, but wrong?

they're looking into me right now, unblinking. but so friendly. and warm. 

lately I've been struggling with the feeling of stagnation. of knowing how hard I've worked to grow, and how I've felt my mind and soul stretch and stretch almost to breaking, but I look down and see I'm no farther from the ground than I was before. is it an illusion? or is the concept of being able to grow on, away from something, from "before" the illusion? 

I'm not sure. I think, perhaps, it doesn't matter. what matters is that if I keep my eyes on the ground, I'll never reach for the stars. 

and that's what I plan to do. 

reach for the dusty, glimmering, pearlescent stars with both hands and my whole heart open. God placed something in me long ago. I struggle to define it, though I have tried to before in my writings here. it's this undying hope and ability to see that no matter how much I want to indulge my sorrows, to despair at the mere few inches of space between me and the ground below, I know better. 

it's almost as if I know a secret. a secret I try very hard to share with others. this secret gives me a lightness. it raises me up, and keeps me moving forward. I can't help but believe. 

believe for a future. believe for change. believe for amazing things-impossible things! 

maybe it's an overactive imagination. but, I've always known it to be something quite serious. serious and amazing. 

today was one of those days. where all I see are my failures. where I feel chained to the ground, doomed to gaze upon the stars trillions of miles away from me forever. I felt it. I cried over it. I'm not even sure what 'it' really is. 

living to the fullest? not quite. but close. 

soon, the secret was out. it dissolved the 'it' as rain washes chalk from a sidewalk. it was gone in a swirl of colors. and light took its place. 

you can do anything. you can run towards your fullest life, you can be authentically wholly you, you can choose joy every day. you can be invincible. it all starts inside. 

I like to think we all have a secret in us. and some just forgot. here is your reminder; nurture that hope and that light. that's what divides those that seem like they have the sun shining from their very smiles from those who seem cloaked in perpetual dim. it isn't life circumstance. some of the most beautiful, free, light souls have gone through deep pain and many setbacks. it's not money, or fame, or careers, or pretty bodies that decide who the happy ones are. 

it's our own decision. to trust in God. to believe His promises for us. and to continue to choose it everyday. it's an understanding that obstacles and setbacks and failures are either going to make us stronger or defeat us. it's entirely up to us what power we give to them. 

it's like magic, really. with God, and the power of your own mind and soul you can transform the biggest challenges to nothing but a lesson along the road. change a mile-wide chasm to a thin and albeit scary bridge, but a bridge no less. 

choose light, nurture the secret hopes you have, and turn your chasms into bridges. 

-from Nie