I've been gone

 hello there, reader. I feel as though I need to introduce myself formally it has been so very long since I last posted. I'm Nie. I've been changing a lot. I did this last year too. took a very long hiatus and returned with fervor only to fizzle out again. like a flame that was too hungry, too quick to show how bright it could burn and in doing so ate up all the oxygen and poof. 

truth be told, I have been avoiding my blog for some months now. not because I dislike it. in fact I like it very much. it is very dear to me. not because I am bored of blogging or the blogging community. I hope bloggers continue to write and keep this part of the internet alive. I love to settle in with some tea or coffee and read through my blogroll. 

no, I have been avoiding my blog because I have been avoiding facing the truth of what has been going on inside of me. 

from Nie has seen many versions of me. and I don't believe in streamlining myself to make a product of my blog. in cornering myself into this perfect little package of catchy writing for the internet to marvel at. 

but this blog has been with me through my wildest ups and downs. throughout my lefts and rights. 2020 and 2021 were the most challenging years I've ever lived through. the tale of that time period is a dark and long one. it is one that upsets me even to think about. and it is when I was coming out of that dark time, just arriving back from that terrible journey, that I started blogging on here more. it was something that helped nurture me back to health, lead me closer to who I am after I had forgotten myself. that is a wonderful thing but it also means that this blog reminds me of my darkest days. 

does that mean I should move on? begin another blog that is free from those heavy clouds? I'm not sure. starting something new doesn't always solve things. 

have I truly outgrown from Nie? or do I just want to believe that I can forget pain and that I can be fully separate from that version of me who was in so much of it? 

I don't know, reader. I just don't know. so, until I do, hello there. I may be writing a goodbye soon. but it will not end there. it will only lead to another platform. one that does not feel as though it is mocking my every word or testing my claims of progress. or, perhaps I will simply accept that this blog has many layers of me in it. and embrace the changes and the metamorphosis it has gone through. we shall see. but for now, I missed this. and that is one thing I am sure of. 

-from Nie