hello, again

 listen 

I left this blog over a year ago. when I did, I also left many other things. writing stories, playing music, dancing, dreaming. in the empty space that formed in the nest of who I am when I stopped creating, I sat. 

I don't think I have ever known until now, how much of a creator I am. I would always tuck my creativity away. fold it up neatly, creased corners, and stick it in a drawer or hide it behind my bookshelf. somewhere I could find it again, but where no one else could see it. 

why 

because in many ways being a creator is to experience pain. 

not glamorous, all encompassing, flashy pain. not visible pain that can be pitied or understood. 

no

it if painful to feel so deeply. it is painful to step back, look at what you created, and see something distorted. to see something that failed to interpret the language of the soul to the human eye. painful to be barred from creating. when the world gets in the way, it hurts. when your jobs, and your people, and your bank, and your need to eat get in the way, it is not just painful. it's angering. 

at least, it is for me. 

I am often angry. and because I do not know how to live the way I need to live, I tuck that need away. I attempt to snuff it out. drown it. choke it. hide it. destroy it. 

but because this part of me, like all of me, is from God, I never succeed.

so, I made my way back here. to this place where my creative language flows. hello, again. 

part of me wishes I'd never said goodbye. but I have surely been on a journey in this past year. not just creatively, but spiritually. in the absence of my creative spirit I focused on God more than I ever have. and He showed me how to depend on Him and He is still showing me who I am. 

He helped me to understand that the world does not define me. and that if I feel lost, it's because 

I'm meant for 

another world. 

- from Nie